Poetry: Crazy Man - A personification of the crazy inside each of us.

 The crazy man who took his sheep to Canada

Just for them to graze at snow laced leaves

And find himself some logs to burn

Some cigarettes to light, some dollars to keep

He didn’t care the sky was turning red

As long as the sheep were snow fed

And as long as he didn’t have to die

Pretty sweet lot to do and a lot on hand to lie

 

He carried a box of music with him

Like it was a set of paints

so he could paint the ghost white snow

And look at it from a distance

To find damned bizarre a show

 

He didn’t care if his music bled

As long as the sheep were snow fed

And as long as he didn’t have to die

Pretty sweet lot to do and a lot on hand to lie

 

He was there to just kill time

As the world was mostly some meme & mime

While he was at it, anyway

Might as well trespass and commit a crime

He didn’t care what the old cop said

As long as the sheep were snow fed

And as long as he didn’t have to die

Pretty sweet lot to do and a lot on hand to lie

 

 

 

 #ShortStory #LifeSnippets

Why Bombay's home? - #TheArabianSea

For the last few years, I’ve developed this strange thing about talking to the sea. Ever since I came back to Bombay in 2016, the sea has been a significant part of my life and sense of strength. It’s natural that this mostly quiet Arabian sea is so deep that it is able to dissolve all your emotions. You just sit by its side and let yourself be. It’s cool evening breeze will dry your sweat and bring you such a sense of relief that you’d almost miss your mother.

Marine Drive, Mumbai

I remember a Friday evening back in 2017 when I’d had absolutely nothing to do and no one to be with. So, I cabbed myself off to the Worli Sea Face for a run. As I ran, I felt sorry for myself. I had no social life and no one to talk to. That’s when I found some solace talking to the sea and asking it to somehow become magical and grant me normalcy in life. Of companionship, friends and love.

I often went back to the sea for a run, mostly in the evenings but some rare times, in the mornings too. I always made it a point to spend some time with the sea whenever I went. I never just ran. I also sat around to hang out with the sea. Request it for things that were outside of my control. Tell it, those stories, which I hold deeply within my heart. Tell the sea, some secrets too. Or laugh to it. Or cry to it. It was so amazing and so easy to express myself to the sea. I didn’t even have to talk. I just had to sit around looking at it as it’s deep black depth would extract my thoughts and drown them away. It was as if it received me with as much belief as I did while giving myself to it. And it spoke back to me by manifesting my life. As things began to happen in life, I quietly believed the sea had indeed spoken to me.

Serbia Part I - First impressions of the country and its people

Serbia Part I - First impressions of the country and its people

So finally, I have managed to take a vacation in the raging and difficult times of covid. My mother let me go with much reluctance, worried for my safety, and in general, worried about letting an adult-child travel unnecessarily. It took me a couple of conversations to drive the necessity of a vacation home and the fact that 'You-Only-Live-Once'. 

Anyway, so we made our way to the only European country that lets Indians enter without a visa and has no quarantine rules whatsoever. It's relatively cheap, easy to access and provides beautiful vibes of eastern and central European culture & couture. 

Skadarlija, Belgrade

Before we flew out, my mother made me promise her just one thing - that I will record my trip in blogs and vlogs since I loved it so much and had lately almost stopped any blogging. Frankly, the hustle of working at home has been leaving no virgin leaf of my mind to turn its colour. 

We made an 11-day plan out of which we planned 7 and kept 4 aside for life to show us what it had in store. Landed in Belgrade, the capital of Serbia, after two flights spanning 7 odd hours from Dubai. When you go anywhere new, the first thing that strikes you is the feeling of the air as you leave the airport. The Belgrade airport is small and basic - very easy to navigate, so we got out early enough to find our hotel transfer taxi person waiting for us. We followed him to the parking and were struck with clean cold air that felt light due to the abundant sunshine. We felt happy and at ease. 

@Old Town, Belgrade 

The Asians, the Indians, the browns were finally in Europe to vacation. Yay!

 The country at large and Belgrade, in particular, has a young but relaxed vibe. People are chilling at parks and e-cycling around. People walk miles daily, which I believe is the secret behind their fitness. They are a lot into all kinds of sports too. The public facilities and culture of playing sports daily are strikingly obvious. Evenings are hues of blu-ish pink, which bring about Belgrade's dining and partying culture. Surprisingly, many people have opted to become vegetarians, and there's absolutely no dearth of great food - meat and otherwise in this country.

The only surviving bridge from WW2

I am a sucker for places with a water body, preferably an ocean. But the two majestic rivers ensure there's more than enough here to keep one's soul calm and happy. The Danube and Sava run across the country and merge at Belgrade to make a rather choppy confluence. We were fortunate to find ourselves on a boat cruise to experience the same and met a charming couple from Hungary. That evening is worthy of an independent post, so I am going to savour it a bit more before sharing it :)

Overall, Serbia seems to be at the crossroads of adapting to the individualistic modern western values while keeping its traditional, family-oriented, deep-rooted culture intact. It seems to have taken a stand to not emulate Western Europe but seek development in a controlled fashion. 

 I could draw some parallels with Indian society, which struck me -an underlying & silently practised thread of patriarchy and pre-determined gender roles and the structural importance of families. But more on this later, when I get to have an in-person conversation with you.  

The confluence of Danube & Sava at Belgrade

This is my 5th day in Serbia, and while I will try to write a trip advisor kind of entry soon, I am now going to focus on some first impressions of Serbs I've had so far (not to forget, Tesla had me biased already ;)

1. Serbs are very warm people. They are friendly to the extent that they'll go out of their way to help you. People walking down the streets will smile and let you pet their dogs. They all seem to have dogs. 

Despite their disconcerting political and cultural history, marred by invasions, struggle for borders, forms of terrorism and identity wars, these guys have evolved to be a bunch of very welcoming people. They will chat with you if you want to or leave you alone to do your thing. "Jiyo aur jeene do" done nicely.

2. They're excellent in English. Definitely, the ones below 40 or so know amazing English, making Serbia easy to navigate and live in. 

They seem to also have points of view on global events and come across as people interested in knowing about stuff in general.

3. They are nice towards Indians. 

A lot of them have watched Bollywood movies or have eaten Indian food. The two biggest exports of India (apart from Yoga) have done their jobs well. They also like us because they kind of hate the British, Americans and French. Hehe. They almost extend a hand of solidarity for having subtly shared oppression. They also tend to think of Indians as non-aggressive and non-violent. Still, it is only very recently they've started to have an influx of Indians, so maybe they should take time and validate their early judgement.

4. They hate their government. They openly criticize the corruption in the country and don't want to take vaccines. However, about 40% of Serbia has had double vaccination, and there is almost no masking policy in open areas. In closed spaces, masking is suggested but not at all enforced. "Sab Apna Apna dekh lo" 

We've been trying to be as careful as possible, but what the hell, we're double vaccinated. Jo Hoga Dekha jayega. Remember, YOLO?

*Hot Revelation by Taxi Driver from Airport to Hotel: The Sheikh of Abu Dhabi is massively investing in Belgrade to develop its waterfront across the Sava river. They'll be building luxury malls, office spaces and luxury hotels. Very Arabia style. Creepily extravagant (read arrogant). How long will Belgrade hold onto its current very distinctive identity is anyone's guess.*

5. Oh, and they're hot AF. All women, all men are good looking, well dressed, fit with pretty faces. What more do I have to say here? Never seen so many cute people in one city. Belgrade is heaven for finding hotness for sure. 

One fun thing I encountered quite a bit on my trip was that people really seemed to know Priyanka Chopra. So every time I mentioned my name Priyanka, the response I got was "As in Chopra?" and that was umm, a couple of laughs and a great ice-breaker. 

So much more to tell about Serbia. 

India's Gold Win at Olympics today has made this day even more special. Such a power @Neeraj Chopra.

Signing off from Serbia's prettiest city tonight, Novi Sad. 

With Love,

Calm Outside. Screaming Inside.

I have been often accused of being calmer than they think I ‘should be’.  What they don’t see is the internal fire & turmoil I bleed through as I keep a calm countenance for the outside world. In my head, ‘What’s really the point?’

Is it hopelessness? 

Is it elegance?

Is it an outcome of a certain conditioning that rejects considering a reaction, an action?

Is it over-emphasis on a certain approach that defines ‘hard-work’ as the only way through all situations?

    This over-emphasis & conditioning, I reckon is an eye-wash. This truly is an unfair world which works on unfair principles, or better, lack of them.

    I had believed myself to be unstoppable as a young woman. Someone who could get ‘anything’ done that she set her mind to. I was that raring hot blood who wanted to prove to the world that she could do anything, anyone else could. Just, better.

    I insisted on handling my finances, my house, my living conditions and everything else myself. I insisted on gaining full control of life and doing things that were traditionally supposed to be outside the purview of a young woman. I believed if I worked hard & stayed determined, the system couldn’t throw me off. I was so wrong. 

     I insisted I'd ensure to have equal rights & opportunities as the most privileged in this world. I was setting goals that seemed achievable because I had no clue how many forces were work-in-progress to push the tide completely against me.

First Force: My gender & nationality

    I used to work in field sales earlier in my career which required me to travel distances without breaks for hours and without access to clean toilets.(May I remind those who might be confused about what this means: "Women in India don't have clean public toilets because 'MEN' don't need them.") 

This had compelled a subconscious habit of drinking little water. My mind wanted to avoid the annoyance. Silly little youthful mind. Months of dehydration gave rise to a life-threatening UTI that plagued my body & kidneys for two years.

These years forced me to opt out of work, break a long-term & committed relationship, fail in exams & be bed ridden or hospitalized during & around 8 surgical procedures.

This was when I was 25-26. When all my friends got married & vacationed in Europe.

    The system had played against my will. It broke me down. My ego & pride were put down in place. Imagine, poor public-sanitation giving a young girl anxiety & depression.

Something that plagued me longer than I’d imagined.

 Second force: My gender & religion

    Marriages are supposed to be civil affairs. Although, in the society that surround us, it is a complex obligation of not just the civil society, but religious tenets, class-reputation, gender-roles & entrenched patriarchy in both the genders.

    I mean, my health had recovered. My mind had a new perspective. I was ready to go again. This time, as a gentler person. More grateful for life and more accepting of people & their ways.

    I was happy to have got another chance at re-instating my pride. Back at work again & life going alright (couldn’t have gotten worse from a certain point, so yeah, hurrah), I was perhaps readying my heart for love once again.

    Of-course it was mildly broken a bit here & there but eventually I met someone I could completely be myself with. We fell in love.

    This time, love meant different things. It meant individuality. It meant trust. It meant ‘no-shackles’. But alas, if you are 28 year old single woman in love, you can’t stay away from the conversations of ‘the holy union’ (seriously, whatever).

    We both gave-in. We both were scared & unprepared (him, more than me). But long-entrenched figments of patriarchy, looking down upon women as 2^nd grade human-beings, shitty-family drama, unrealistic expectations & uncomfortable situations surfaced. The hollowness of the institution came to its absolute fore which doesn’t inspire anyone with hopes of a happier, brighter life.

And kids who condemn it and don’t buy into it are, plain-Jane ‘outliers’.

    Ok dude. I’d rather live on the edge of inclusivity than live chained & suffocated.

    And boom. Broken again. Confidence. Pride. Hopes. And heart.

I realize it’s not the individuals, it’s an entire collective system that works against everyone who is marginalized. For any reason, their gender or religion or nationality or sexual preferences.

It doesn’t end.

But I am kind of done.

And therefore, I stay calm when I am expected to scream. No point. I am going to save my strength to do something better – not that I know what that ‘better is’. Just differently. Purely as a matter of principle. Haha.

Our Invisible Partners of Success

I wake up at 7 am on a Saturday morning with not much to look forward to – except the amazing morning tea that is a regular joy in my life. But of course I laze in the bed for another one and a half hours just waiting for my cook to show up at her regular time. The cook knows ‘Didi’ will ask for her chai as soon as she is up and then multiple times during the course of the day. She makes my tea, makes my meal, does other random chores in the kitchen (chores I wouldn’t ever want to do or remember to do) until the other woman who does cleaning & mopping shows up. That one is skillful and silent. She does so much in the house and yet somehow manages to always remain out of my sight and out of my way. That’s how I prefer it too. I don’t have the bandwidth to listen to their stories & family drama. I mean, I value random chatter with most people most of the times. But with these, I just want them to do their job and leave.

Let me mention this - I treat them respectfully. I often get angry but never scream. But I ignore them. I treat them as insignificant people who magically need to do their jobs perfectly and leave. Besides, the skill level I am expecting is beyond the roof & it’s difficult to meet standards some maids have met in the past.

However, it’s worthwhile to note that these two are the only people I see every day, regularly. I wake up to them and finish my day with them. They take care of me, my house and my food. They are always available for a conversation if I want to have one. They adjust their timings, their family life, their convenience for me (and the salary of course).  And they kind of love me, in a weird way. They are dutiful and consider me ‘didi who lives akeli and is not scared to live by herself’. On the other hand, my relationship with them is purely task-based. Still, I don’t want to imagine a day without them in my life.

I am okay to go on without my family but not without them. These are the women who are quintessential to how I feel, what I do and what I achieve in my day. This is my biggest support group and most dedicated cheerleaders for me. If I smile, they do too. If I am upset, they ask me what went wrong. They occupy minimum emotional space while providing for so much support. And the most amazing part is they don’t even know how much they contribute to my life. And they don’t know that their output is way more than the menial tasks they are paid for.

This picture has been clicked with consent.

They ensure I can focus on my ‘important work’ or I can trash the place without the responsibility of cleaning it up. They ensure I have the free time to while away & write blogs. It’s them who really empower me to go out and take on the world. Or pamper myself with a face pack when I am free. They ensure I am served and treated well. And honestly, there’s no amount that’s enough for this kind of service (to anyone).

And yet I remain non-committal and hugely un-obligated. Living away in my imagined glory of where I’ve come in my life. And sometimes being smug about challenges I’ve overcome. Conveniently forgetting to account for gigantic & numerous contributions made by this invisible support system without which, not just free time & fun life would be un-imaginable, but also the relationships we have and workload we manage would get extremely strained.

The initial and complete lockdown gave us a glimpse of this.

I do not want to forget the things I learnt in 2020. I do not want to get back to who we were before Covid. I do not want to be ungrateful, about anything or anyone.

Hair photobombing nicely. 

Saturday Morning Ramble!

 

Mind-Space & Experiences

 

Our office begins tomorrow with 50% attendance. It’s going to be interesting to see how we ‘ease’ (read: ‘tire’) ourselves back into the pre-Covid routines. There are contrarian views about what’s the ‘right’ way forward in professional (and personal, of course) conducts. We now have the ‘WFH Warriors’ arguing about how it makes sense to do certain jobs from remote places. It’s time, money, space and stress optimized. While the ‘Optimists’ believe that getting back together is akin to getting back to normalcy. And they stress upon how certain tasks are easily accomplished in person than through screen time.

I agree with both the sides. And therefore I run the risk of being seen as a hypocrite or worse, fake. But really, I do agree with individual arguments from both the ends. They all seem logical and relevant. However it’s difficult to take sides. Arguing is genuinely futile. To each their own in this case, please.

Futility of arguments is a recurring theme appearing in so many conversations I’ve had lately. People tell me they are tired of putting across the voice that doesn’t register. They’re also tired of bearing the hurt of not being understood. And there are way too many practical things (like livelihood and maintaining social diplomacy) to consider that take up all our mind-space and bandwidths.

And therefore, Mind-space is my new favorite term to use in any (and all) conversations these days. It doesn’t matter what the topic is. This term finds relevance everywhere. It’s also the least explored spaces, you know. Our mind-space is vast enough to be considered nearly infinite. It’s also complex and dynamic. It changes as we do and plays games on us to make us believe concepts that do not exist in objective reality. It makes us believe in concepts of success and failure. Of love and hatred. Of right and wrong. And scandalously, concepts of the sacred and profane.

I imagine this space as a round box that contains tones of shit. I mean, lots of cool network wires sparking here and there and looking completely out-of-control. This box also has a nice-tight lid that can be used to change its environment and working parameters. It’s like an underwater secret laboratory which looks like an intelligent mess. The bridge between this laboratory and us is the lid that we can maneuver. We can control how much it opens and closes. We can operate it at different perceptive efficiencies. And therefore have different experiences or better, different perceptions of exact same experiences.

The lid operates without our conscious effort too. And if we are able to mindfully operate it, we become a part of creating what we experience. Over time and with practice we can master the environment of our minds. We can opt to perceive differently. We can open ourselves to a range of new emotions. The wider it maybe, the richer our experiences. And therefore, our lives.

I am often asked, why I chose to live and work in India while my family was settled abroad. I’ve always responded with this:

“This country lets you live and end a thousand lives each day. You see beauty next to filth. You find hope in grimmest of streets. And you find the will to live. The will to struggle and survive. And you see diversity. You see both science and dogma. And there’s always so much happening that it keeps you hooked. To the dopamine rush of new emotions. To the high that comes when we inch towards uncharted territories of our minds (and most definitely our hearts). And then of course because it’s a secular liberal democracy with freedom of speech and individual liberty.” Until recently, at least?

One sunny afternoon at Uptown Mirdif, Dubai when I decided to click nature. (There's no correlation with the content of the blog post. I had no other picture to post and didn't want to borrow from the internet.)

This post is a ramble. I am posting it for the sake of continuity alone.

Until next time.

 

Mumbai Housing Societies mandate: "Girls should study. Get a job. And marry. Only then could they make respectable tenants."

With New Year comes promise of good times. The turn of calendar is so remarkable in our collective imagination that just this one change, shifts our perspective and view of the world, more specifically the future.

Astrology peaks, people make financial plans and personal goals. Businesses boom anticipating world and local policy changes. And the preceding festive period and rest brings in good spirits. The world starts looking physically better as well. Lit up homes, some celebratory tunes and just people out and about is quite a positive feeling.

Unfortunately, in some aspects even 2021 hasn’t yet brought about any hope or promise thereof.

It’s still as difficult as it ALWAYS was for a young, unmarried woman (who also has a social life) to get a house in a respectable and non-judgmental society. The prejudices against this stereotype are plenty.

A young woman is susceptible to bring a boy home, without marrying him. They will obviously have sex (because he can’t just be a platonic friend or colleague, right?) and pre-marital sex is obviously immoral (maybe, even unnatural). Worse, she’ll bring many boys home. Different ones. But really the worst is that she’ll have both boys and girls over to party.

In aunty voice:

“Obviously parties are not good. They drink and do all kinds of shit. Even if the girl is good, she could be mishandled in her intoxicated state. And obviously all parties blare music at 3 am. Obviously all parties are loud and decadent.”

Next comes the scrutiny of age. She’s 32. Why she is not married yet? Is her character okay? Does she lack something? There must be something wrong in her to still have been single.

In aunty voice:

“Obviously girls should study and get a job. And after that they should marry a good man and get ‘settled’. Family is very important. And also the biological clock ticks away faster than one imagines. It’s all the junk food and pollution, these days.”

In my head, it’s quite clear that marriage is a choice irrespective of your character and there’s hardly a correlation between the two. I could be a nice, respectful single woman in her 30s who has decided to live independently of her family and without a husband. I could be a woman who despite being single understands and respects ‘family’. I could be a single woman who is conscious of not creating nuisance for neighbors. I could be a single woman who likes to keep her house clean and does not pile up junk.

Right? I could be, no? There’s at least a statistical probability?

I want to tell you why I’m ranting about all of this today. I’d basically finalized a place in Worli (after looking at least 40 odd houses with 10 different brokers of almost the entire stretch from Khar to Colaba). Then this house’s society committee decided to interview me on zoom. It was all okay until then. Funnily, they wanted to interview my parents too!

Grossly shocked and saddened that a bunch of old men who were suffering from less excitement in their lives decided to turn this into a primary school interview by asking my parents to join the Zoom call.

I checked with my prospective owner on the side and he confessed that he’d told the committee that I was going to live with my parents after Covid chilled down a bit. Once again, I was shocked and hurt. I didn’t want to lie. I was paying a bomb. And brokerage. And I was being interviewed like a powerless 12 year old.

Then they shared their laundry list of restrictions, which is as follows:

1.       Before entering the building premises, I’ll get my covid test report of up to 48 hours prior. Only if I test negative, I’ll be allowed to move. “Okay, fair. No problem”

2.       Any cook or house-help I keep, would also need to get her covid test done. “Umm, weird because they’re asking for it just during greh pravesh not every week or every month. It didn’t make too much sense but I wasn’t going to argue here. So okay, whatever”

3.       I could have visitors only 1 day in a week. This pissed me off “It didn’t make much sense and it wasn’t a standard protocol anywhere”

4.       I could have a maximum of 4 visitors at a time. “Yeah I don’t have huge gatherings in general but what if sometime there are 5 or 6?”

My primary concern was #3. It was totally unacceptable. It made me feel really suspicious that I could be the only single person staying in a building dominated by Marwari households. I spoke to my owner and he said he’ll handle the guards. He’ll pay them off or something so visitors to my flat wouldn’t be recorded in his register. “Creepy, no?”

Anyway, the committee approved me after speaking to us and knowing a bit about our reasons to move and background etc. I sat with a sunken heart and feeling a strange feeling about moving in there. Mom and friends also counselled to let it go and find something else. They were right. I had to drop out of this plan. I was back to square 1. I was pushed back by 2 weeks.

When I confronted my owner with the concerns, he said stuff like “hum dekh lenge”, “hum hai na”, “koi check nahi karta”, “kiske paas time hai itna”, “humare bhi to log aate rehte hain, no one says anything”.

I was like “Uncle listen up, I am sure they don’t bother you but at the same time I am also very certain that for atleast the first 3-4 months, I’ll be in strict scrutiny about my conduct, lifestyle and schedule. Plus you’ve lied to the committee and by complying with you, I’ve become a liar myself. This is too uncomfortable for me to build a life around. I wouldn’t live in peace”

Then, uncle says this “If you are not comfortable, you can vacate after 3-4 months.”

I wondered how he dare say this so casually. “I am paying a month’s rent as brokerage. I am taking the trouble to shift and re-establish my life. How can he be so nonchalant about the process?”

A friend rightly said, “Bemaan aadmi ka koi moral high ground nahi hota”

Anyway, I’ve found something else now. In a new-ish tower which will not care about my identity. Which will let me live a non-characteristic life in the eco-system of the building. So I guess the matter is shut.

But really, I wish we see societies and culture in this beautiful city of Mumbai open up to youngsters who leave their homes and build their dreams here. I also wish that all migrants like me honor and respect the narrow common spaces that we share with such a diversity of people.

This needs to go down in the task-list for sure.

2021, hope you’ve taken note.

Marine Drive, Opp NCPA, the setting sun of 2020. 31st Dec - 6:30 pm