28th March 2020 - 4th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

15^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

970 POSITIVE, 23 DEAD, 80 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Today’s vibe was rather decent yet strange. It’s comes in when you’ve realized that worrying won’t get you anywhere. So you do the best you can and leave it up to time. Some would say, leave it up to God. I would say, ‘life’ J”

Below is an intrusive picture of a slum right next to my society. As you can see, the common play area is some-what deserted. People are probably trying their best.

Woke up in the morning rather early for a Saturday. Was annoyed at myself for not wanting to sleep more. Where are those days when 11 am on a Saturday was the norm?  I was glad that there were no work calls to attend. Feeling of a holiday, yay! Soon my spirits tendered when I realized we only had 2 days enough of drinking water left and Bisleri dealer had refused to deliver cans. Ugh. Wished there was an RO around. Anyway, my desi-self kicked in and I remembered the old good days when boiled tap water was good enough to drink! I was happy that there was an easy solution for at least this one problem.

The day went by thinking about the Great John Milton and the promise of his ‘Paradise Lost’ that I had to begin reading. An old friend & I have jointly taken up the project of studying some classic literature while at the lock-down. But my beautiful day dreams were constantly being disturbed with mundane obligations of cleaning, cooking and then cleaning once again. Somehow the day went by without achieving much but going about the chores and ruminating about the world situation somewhere at the corner of my mind.

Ended up speaking to a friend for more than an hour – the call was interesting because he made me realize that the only thing he’s really spoken to me about, has been Corona. It struck me that I’ve been so captivated with the situation that there’s hardly anything else I feel interested to talk about. Corona has got me after all, I guess. (Dark humor, here! I don’t mean it in any sense, literal or otherwise).

I immediately decided to take the feedback and challenged him to come up with something more interesting than Covid. He just laughed and by the time he could finish laughing, I had thought of five random awkward but fun things to tell him. Went on and on about strange topics like my extreme fear of crows and how I spent a night psychoanalyzing a lizard so that I could manage to lock it in the washroom to my sense of righteousness even as a young child. Until I chanced upon the matter of the elderly in the family. I’ve been fortunate enough to have met and interacted with some of my great grandparents and how this fact makes my life more complete. It feels like I’ve traversed a very long journey in which four generations have existed in some compelling frames of space & time. These frames are special. For our memories make us who we are. Is it not?

Memories are extremely complex. Their strength depends on how much we remember them. And how much we remember them depends on how strong they were. It’s really co-dependent, chicken & egg kind of a scenario. And when I come to think of it, it’s true for so many other complex concepts & relationships.

Love, for example, is extremely complex. Its strength depends on how much we practice it. And how much we practice it depends on how strong that love is. Human mind is as complex as it is beautiful. And so is human life.

The Hindu philosophy of life that my mother had taught me placed human life at the top of the specialty pyramid. Science places us at the top of the evolutionary pyramid. Seems like an acceptable theory, right?

However, apart from our great brains and thumbs, we have the potential to have great hearts. We have an innate capacity to exceed ourselves, week after week, year after year, generation after generation. This is probably a moment in history, which has given us this one rare opportunity to rise above ourselves. To acknowledge that we’re smaller than the grain of sand. That we’re dependent on coexistence with others. Other genders, races, populations and species. Can Covid-19 lock-down then, bring about a changed world order?

Probably not. What it may bring about, however are uncomfortable questions and their truthful answers in front of those, who are in positions of influence. Or who can strive to be in them.

The choices we make today and in the future need to be made with our complex brains but guided with our deeper hearts. That in itself will be revolutionary enough.

Signing off on a higher note today, than yesterday.

Realizing every-day that it was not ‘Ignorance’ that was a bliss, it was ‘Acceptance’.

Until tomorrow, keep washing your hands J

PS 1 : I stepped out today to help get one can of water. The journey to the society gate and back was almost as terrifying as being in a war zone. Everyone seemed to me as a walk-talking Covid transmitter. What a fucked up time, really!

27th March 2020 - 3rd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

14^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

851 POSITIVE, 20 DEAD

General feeling: “Not so much of paranoia anymore. Coming to terms with what it is and what it is likely to turn into. I am not sure if acceptance has eased out the fears or numbed them altogether. Around me, I see more and more people acknowledging the seriousness and novelty of the situation. Across the world, people are now speaking up. Of lack of early measures. Of lack of tools and tests. But sooner or later we’ll all have somethings to regret and somethings to forget.”

A twisted turn came to the fear already created by the novel Corona virus when Twitter blew up with the mention of 2018 K-Drama Series called ‘My Secret, Terrius’ which has evidently spoken of the Corona Virus exactly as we know it today. The 2-14 day incubation period, the respiratory symptoms, no known vaccine or cure and handwashing as a preventive mention. All of this is a series that was released about two years back and now playing out for real in 2020. It was freakishly scary. Seemed like the movie ‘Inception’ rolled into the series ’Black Mirror’ to me. This was the last piece of information I fed myself with, before sleeping last night. Not the most apt thing to read to put oneself to peaceful sleep but information overdose is my thing these days. Especially on Corona.

Tells me that if I’d ever decide to do a PHD, it would be on socio-psycho responses to threats created by our beautiful modern world of greed and power. The tribal populations were banished for distracting us with importance of ecological balance and bio-diversity. We chose to ignore them for our misconstrued world views and irrational unfounded fears about power struggle. I am referring to capitalism. I am referring to communism. I am referring to world orders that we abide by today.

On a personal front, today was much better. I woke up to attending several work calls through the day, sending emails and checking out decks after decks. There has been such a work load these days, while staying home. Apart from household and usual work, people have this weird idea that we have a lot of time at hand and we can take up courses, pursue hobbies, talk to people, listen to music and do everything else in the world that there is to do. Honestly, there isn’t enough time. This time might as well be used to slow down and do those things we find joy & meaning in and not really a plethora of courses or activities.

Everyone’s trying to keep themselves engaged. Family WhatsApp groups have strange emoji quizzes going on, while our HR has begun a challenge in which you need to send pictures of yourself doing the activity –of-the-day. Calls & online-courses have also become compelling. Friends have found apps on which we can play games and do fun things. So much camaraderie and virtual gathering for what? To address our fears of loneliness? Or the pertinent need of purpose and participation?

Let not this period tire us down. I am only trying to make commitments that I can keep and those I care for. This time is teaching me to value what I must and ignore what I can. It’s building patience and resilience. For a future, I hope I can see with moist eyes and a warm heart. A future which has alive, all those we love. A future we’d like to step into.

The conspiracy theories against China are abound on the Internet. There is so much content around the virus that it’s nearly impossible to wrap one’s head around it. An option is to ignore and dive into your comfort of not keeping up with the news. To enjoy the solitude of your bedroom and watch fun happy stuff, binging on cheese & chips. Many are opting for the same. I guess its okay. To each his or her own. What’s not okay, however, is to act like it’s just a three week break and everything’s going to bounce back to normal in a snap.

Mind you, with this pandemic, I can’t even begin to articulate the width of the change that we all may personally undergo. Some of us may take time to realize it but it’s happening to us right now, right here. We may re-evaluate our life decisions, our life choices. We may realize who we truly love and what we truly enjoy. And we may take steps to lead a life more fulfilling than we already have.

An ex-boss and a dear friend had called today to check on me. It’s always such a joy to have a conversation with him. I have been blessed with great bosses in general. He’s super smart and I usually don’t have much to say that he already doesn’t know. But today came a moment of pride when I shot some facts on Corona that he hadn’t kept pace with. I am okay to enjoy this cheap thrill which equates information to intellect. Deep down I know, it’s not true. But I deserve my moments, especially these days, right?

Anyway, I am glad I was able to write something somewhat neutral today. Anything not bordering on depressed or morbid is quite an achievement for me.

Happy to sign off with lesser fluctuating emotions.

Before I go, would like to show-off my new writing space J

Until tomorrow, Let’s pray for those who need it the most.

26th March 2020 - 2nd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

13^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

645 POSITIVE, 13 DEAD

General feeling: “Of depression and anxiety. Suddenly something that seemed like a logical step is now feeling cruel. It is settling in that we’re all stuck in this swamp with no clear timelines & solutions. It’s time to accept and internalize how difficult things are going to get for everyone. Especially the elderly, the poor and the lonely”

Today was particularly difficult. News of the lock-down leaving thousands stranded in unknown cities, mostly the daily wage earners, migrant laborers, women with small children,  child-workers, the urban poor, the lonely elderly couples. Practical problems of low-cash availability, poor essential services despite repeated confirmations from authorities and lack of protective gear for people stuck at railway-stations (like Howrah), or night shelters (of Delhi) have started cropping up.

This has made me particularly depressed. Not that I couldn’t fore-see it. But real life stories bring emotions to the brim. I read an article today of a group of laborers walking back home to Rajasthan as their owners shut shop in Gujarat. They had decided to walk hundreds of kilometers in the upcoming summer heat. A Hindi term that comes to mind – ‘Laachaar’. The maid who worked in my previous house called asking for cash since she had no money and her husband sat at home without work.  ‘Majboor’.

I had woken up late today, hoping for the sun to be at it’s complete glory. I wanted to wake up to hot summer sun with abundant light. It seemed to me that sunshine will bring some chirp into my other-wise depressed mood. Unfortunately, the morning was rather dull and cloudy. The air felt musky and uncharacteristically quiet.

I began the day with the resolution to work a lot. Only work was going to bring the much needed distraction. I had stressed enough about my flu-like conditions which have been keeping me low for the last three days. Also, my grandpa had slipped last night and lay on the floor until help arrived only four hours later in the wee hours of Wednesday morning so he could be lifted and put back in bed. It wrenched my heart to empathize with his helplessness. An 87 year old man lying on cold floor all night because his old wife and ageing son couldn’t muster enough strength to pick him up. Grandad (I call him Baba Sahab) has an issue with one leg and one hand. 

Despite his disability which has been ever since I’ve known him, he’s a jolly character. Always tiding by difficult times with such sense of normalcy and strange humor, he’s almost an inspiration. I managed to do a video call with him the other day. Took a screenshot of the two of us in the same frame, somewhere in my heart fearing the unknown. I am slowly internalizing the fact that there may soon come a time, we both may not chat again. Corona or otherwise. My grandparents are in Jaipur & naturally highly susceptible.

We’ve never really faced a situation when going home, or reaching out to loved ones was an impossibility. That time is here now. It compels me to feel for those, who’ve seldom had these privileges. Corona has brought many of us down to our knees. Including Prince Charles. Haha. No offense!

Doesn’t help that I have also started to PMS. (Yes, it’s a real thing that happens to most women). I get to know I am hormonal either when I get unnecessarily angry or sad. Today I got both. I cried because I was angry at someone’s casual harmless joke. What a mess!

The best moment of the day however has been the time I could take out to write this down. Writing is a real therapy for some. Hoping I can continue this for the next few weeks.

Until tomorrow, stay home. Wash Hands. Smile (try to?)