29th March 2020 - 5th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

16^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

1000 POSITIVE, 27 DEAD, 86 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Life is a series of staircases that we have learnt, needs to be climbed only upwards. Some days however, compel us to climb down and stall our obsession with progression, upward or forward. We often get caught up in our linear understanding of time. Especially when in a house arrest. Especially when in a global catastrophe. Especially, when away from family”

Received a call from an old friend last night from North Carolina. She was junior at my bachelor college and we were very thick friends. She’s been trying to get me to talk about my break-up. I think she’s known me so close, she was genuinely concerned about how I am holding up & hence she was quite adamant that I spoke up about it.  But more importantly, she wanted to know my reasons, which she believed she already knew. She just needed to validate them. And that’s exactly what happened. We spoke for long and realized that some friendships, especially the ones we built in our early years are timeless. They exist strong and sensitive despite all boundaries. And when you speak to someone close from your past, you kind of feel in touch with yourself a lot more. I felt like myself again. I am glad, Shruti called. Despite the fact that she’s always given me the respect of a senior, she’s made sure to behave like mom whenever she felt the need to. So yesterday too, she left with me some well-timed advice that only someone who loves you and respects you can deliver.

Today, however didn’t turn out as nice as yesterday. Didn’t help that it was the first day of my chums. A heavy head, almost a migraine hovered over me all day. I felt pretty disinterested in most things, including Corona. Can you believe it? I didn’t consume too much news or entertainment today. Didn’t even talk to too many people through the day. Just wanted some sense of quiet and peace. Given the environment, I’ve relegated myself to my room and balcony for almost all of the time I spend at home. Today, my uncle advised me not to hang out in the balcony, lest anyone would spit something from the floors above. Such strange problems, we Indians have to go through. Just because we’re not taught manners and concerns for others. It is immaterial whether one is rich or poor. Educated or not, good manners don’t need institutions or privileges. Good manners only need a good culture.

So let’s for once stop touting about our culture as superior. Cleanliness, public behavior, waste-disposal is not ingrained in our current culture. And even those with big homes and cars who can very well afford dustbins, prefer to spit & throw things out in the open. I am not sure why I am upset about it today. It’s not like I was expecting anything better. But anything that stops me from hanging out in my balcony is bound to upset me. This balcony is my only screen to a real, open world.

The day went by again in cooking and cleaning. Although today I cooked lesser and simpler food. Thank goodness for that. It’s really begun to tire me out. The staying-back-at-home seems to have started taking a toll. It’s leaving me tired and a little angry. I always have something to do and no time to while away. Whatever time I do have ends up in social obligations of calling. Apart from these obligations however, there are some calls I’ve voluntarily started to make. These are to those family members, who I love, but didn’t manage to make enough time for. The mamas, mausis, chachis of the world. And my dearest nana-nani.

Today I spoke to them over a call for good 40 minutes. They were all cramped in the drawing room of Nani’s home in Bharatpur, Rajasthan. It’s a ritual there to have dinner in the hall with the TV and all members of the house hang out there until Nana banishes everyone to go to bed. My maternal grandparents, uncle and his wife and their two adorable kids spoke to me, all at once. The kids were upset that I hadn’t visited them in years, flouting multiple promises made to them. Others were happy to see me. My business-man mama and I explored some ‘Baniya’ genes to discuss several business ideas. Good chat. Lifted my spirits up.

Order of below screenshots:- Nana, Choti Mami, Jai Mama Ji, Nani (the best nani ever!)

I also spoke to my other mama who’s based out of Jaipur. Now that he’s home and work seems to have completely stalled, I suggested to his wife to handover the kitchen to Mama. She obviously rolled her eyes and told me he wasn’t good for it at all. We both settled on ‘Chai’ being the only household duty that he could fulfill.

Despite these calls and conversations, the hidden truth is that I feel very lonely. I am beginning to feel worried for myself. I am not sure how long I can go on like this. My best estimate for this lock-down to be over is mid-may. That means 45 more days to go. I have a feeling I’ll exit this phase, as a different person altogether.

I am just secretly hoping, I don’t get too depressed, or too lonely. I hope I am able to find this virtual window to the world enough to keep me going. I am very well aware of my privileges and I know for a fact that I am in a far better situation than many others in this world, but just being honest.

I think I am tough. I think I am resilient. But perhaps, the real strength lies in not looking inwards too much. As of now there are too many apprehensions. I am just finding solace in what nana said today – “30-40 saalon mein aisi samasyaaein aati rehti hain”

So basically, the world has seen such times and worse before. And they’ve all come out of it. So shall we. Keeping fingers crossed. Saying silent prayers.

Until tomorrow, much love.

28th March 2020 - 4th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

15^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

970 POSITIVE, 23 DEAD, 80 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Today’s vibe was rather decent yet strange. It’s comes in when you’ve realized that worrying won’t get you anywhere. So you do the best you can and leave it up to time. Some would say, leave it up to God. I would say, ‘life’ J”

Below is an intrusive picture of a slum right next to my society. As you can see, the common play area is some-what deserted. People are probably trying their best.

Woke up in the morning rather early for a Saturday. Was annoyed at myself for not wanting to sleep more. Where are those days when 11 am on a Saturday was the norm?  I was glad that there were no work calls to attend. Feeling of a holiday, yay! Soon my spirits tendered when I realized we only had 2 days enough of drinking water left and Bisleri dealer had refused to deliver cans. Ugh. Wished there was an RO around. Anyway, my desi-self kicked in and I remembered the old good days when boiled tap water was good enough to drink! I was happy that there was an easy solution for at least this one problem.

The day went by thinking about the Great John Milton and the promise of his ‘Paradise Lost’ that I had to begin reading. An old friend & I have jointly taken up the project of studying some classic literature while at the lock-down. But my beautiful day dreams were constantly being disturbed with mundane obligations of cleaning, cooking and then cleaning once again. Somehow the day went by without achieving much but going about the chores and ruminating about the world situation somewhere at the corner of my mind.

Ended up speaking to a friend for more than an hour – the call was interesting because he made me realize that the only thing he’s really spoken to me about, has been Corona. It struck me that I’ve been so captivated with the situation that there’s hardly anything else I feel interested to talk about. Corona has got me after all, I guess. (Dark humor, here! I don’t mean it in any sense, literal or otherwise).

I immediately decided to take the feedback and challenged him to come up with something more interesting than Covid. He just laughed and by the time he could finish laughing, I had thought of five random awkward but fun things to tell him. Went on and on about strange topics like my extreme fear of crows and how I spent a night psychoanalyzing a lizard so that I could manage to lock it in the washroom to my sense of righteousness even as a young child. Until I chanced upon the matter of the elderly in the family. I’ve been fortunate enough to have met and interacted with some of my great grandparents and how this fact makes my life more complete. It feels like I’ve traversed a very long journey in which four generations have existed in some compelling frames of space & time. These frames are special. For our memories make us who we are. Is it not?

Memories are extremely complex. Their strength depends on how much we remember them. And how much we remember them depends on how strong they were. It’s really co-dependent, chicken & egg kind of a scenario. And when I come to think of it, it’s true for so many other complex concepts & relationships.

Love, for example, is extremely complex. Its strength depends on how much we practice it. And how much we practice it depends on how strong that love is. Human mind is as complex as it is beautiful. And so is human life.

The Hindu philosophy of life that my mother had taught me placed human life at the top of the specialty pyramid. Science places us at the top of the evolutionary pyramid. Seems like an acceptable theory, right?

However, apart from our great brains and thumbs, we have the potential to have great hearts. We have an innate capacity to exceed ourselves, week after week, year after year, generation after generation. This is probably a moment in history, which has given us this one rare opportunity to rise above ourselves. To acknowledge that we’re smaller than the grain of sand. That we’re dependent on coexistence with others. Other genders, races, populations and species. Can Covid-19 lock-down then, bring about a changed world order?

Probably not. What it may bring about, however are uncomfortable questions and their truthful answers in front of those, who are in positions of influence. Or who can strive to be in them.

The choices we make today and in the future need to be made with our complex brains but guided with our deeper hearts. That in itself will be revolutionary enough.

Signing off on a higher note today, than yesterday.

Realizing every-day that it was not ‘Ignorance’ that was a bliss, it was ‘Acceptance’.

Until tomorrow, keep washing your hands J

PS 1 : I stepped out today to help get one can of water. The journey to the society gate and back was almost as terrifying as being in a war zone. Everyone seemed to me as a walk-talking Covid transmitter. What a fucked up time, really!