Calm Outside. Screaming Inside.

I have been often accused of being calmer than they think I ‘should be’.  What they don’t see is the internal fire & turmoil I bleed through as I keep a calm countenance for the outside world. In my head, ‘What’s really the point?’

Is it hopelessness? 

Is it elegance?

Is it an outcome of a certain conditioning that rejects considering a reaction, an action?

Is it over-emphasis on a certain approach that defines ‘hard-work’ as the only way through all situations?

    This over-emphasis & conditioning, I reckon is an eye-wash. This truly is an unfair world which works on unfair principles, or better, lack of them.

    I had believed myself to be unstoppable as a young woman. Someone who could get ‘anything’ done that she set her mind to. I was that raring hot blood who wanted to prove to the world that she could do anything, anyone else could. Just, better.

    I insisted on handling my finances, my house, my living conditions and everything else myself. I insisted on gaining full control of life and doing things that were traditionally supposed to be outside the purview of a young woman. I believed if I worked hard & stayed determined, the system couldn’t throw me off. I was so wrong. 

     I insisted I'd ensure to have equal rights & opportunities as the most privileged in this world. I was setting goals that seemed achievable because I had no clue how many forces were work-in-progress to push the tide completely against me.

First Force: My gender & nationality

    I used to work in field sales earlier in my career which required me to travel distances without breaks for hours and without access to clean toilets.(May I remind those who might be confused about what this means: "Women in India don't have clean public toilets because 'MEN' don't need them.") 

This had compelled a subconscious habit of drinking little water. My mind wanted to avoid the annoyance. Silly little youthful mind. Months of dehydration gave rise to a life-threatening UTI that plagued my body & kidneys for two years.

These years forced me to opt out of work, break a long-term & committed relationship, fail in exams & be bed ridden or hospitalized during & around 8 surgical procedures.

This was when I was 25-26. When all my friends got married & vacationed in Europe.

    The system had played against my will. It broke me down. My ego & pride were put down in place. Imagine, poor public-sanitation giving a young girl anxiety & depression.

Something that plagued me longer than I’d imagined.

 Second force: My gender & religion

    Marriages are supposed to be civil affairs. Although, in the society that surround us, it is a complex obligation of not just the civil society, but religious tenets, class-reputation, gender-roles & entrenched patriarchy in both the genders.

    I mean, my health had recovered. My mind had a new perspective. I was ready to go again. This time, as a gentler person. More grateful for life and more accepting of people & their ways.

    I was happy to have got another chance at re-instating my pride. Back at work again & life going alright (couldn’t have gotten worse from a certain point, so yeah, hurrah), I was perhaps readying my heart for love once again.

    Of-course it was mildly broken a bit here & there but eventually I met someone I could completely be myself with. We fell in love.

    This time, love meant different things. It meant individuality. It meant trust. It meant ‘no-shackles’. But alas, if you are 28 year old single woman in love, you can’t stay away from the conversations of ‘the holy union’ (seriously, whatever).

    We both gave-in. We both were scared & unprepared (him, more than me). But long-entrenched figments of patriarchy, looking down upon women as 2^nd grade human-beings, shitty-family drama, unrealistic expectations & uncomfortable situations surfaced. The hollowness of the institution came to its absolute fore which doesn’t inspire anyone with hopes of a happier, brighter life.

And kids who condemn it and don’t buy into it are, plain-Jane ‘outliers’.

    Ok dude. I’d rather live on the edge of inclusivity than live chained & suffocated.

    And boom. Broken again. Confidence. Pride. Hopes. And heart.

I realize it’s not the individuals, it’s an entire collective system that works against everyone who is marginalized. For any reason, their gender or religion or nationality or sexual preferences.

It doesn’t end.

But I am kind of done.

And therefore, I stay calm when I am expected to scream. No point. I am going to save my strength to do something better – not that I know what that ‘better is’. Just differently. Purely as a matter of principle. Haha.

11th April 2020 – 18th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

29^th DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

7997 POSITIVE, 249 DEAD (3.11%), 774 RECOVERED (9.68%)

I didn’t write yesterday because I was too occupied (and then eventually tired of) with reading. I spent about 8 hours binge-reading and therefore it was a near perfect day. Naturally, I’ve been reading about COVID, my recent obsession. I read some pretty fantastic stuff. Links to some curated articles are at the end of this post. Please do read to burst some myths and know some history. It’s damn interesting.

(Cool new term to know: ‘Crimson Contagion’ – It’s a 2019 simulation of US’s Dept. of Health & Human services that imagines a flu Pandemic starting in China & spreading around the world. The simulation predicted about 0.6 million people would die in US alone. )

Anyway for today, let me begin with acknowledging, that the covid situation is here to stay. Accept it or ignore it. Either ways it’s going to happen. The world neither has enough infrastructure nor medical staff to keep on fighting it without a proven medication or a vaccine.

The news of 91 new cases in South Korea all among the ‘recovered’ patients signals to a pandemic which is here to stay much much longer than we’d like. However it’s not something the world hadn’t predicted earlier.

The research groups, epidemiologists, virologists, doctors and medical experts have repeatedly warned of an imminent pandemic and the fact that we’re not equipped to deal with it. And one can sense the truth in it by acknowledging just one fact.

The 1918 Spanish Flu killed more people (50 Million – 100 Million estimated figures) than World War I. It was a world-wide pandemic that affected people of all age groups, race, and countries and yet, we haven’t studied about it in our history books.

(Read this for more details & facts: https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200325-covid-19-the-history-of-pandemics)

We’ve been so confident of modern medicine that we’ve side stepped all potential risks in the pursuit of economic power and bio-nuclear-tech supremacy. Regardless of repeated warnings about the abuse and over-use of antibiotics, we continue to buy them without prescriptions, pop them without doctor’s advice and modulate the dosage as per our feelings. The fall-out of the same is antibiotic resistance and development of super bugs who will mutate to be resistant to any known antibiotic to humans. This could lead to even common and otherwise, insignificant infections becoming fatal.
‘Delhi Super Bug’ is our version of one such multi-drug resistant strain of bacteria. Thousands of people across the world are already dying of this resistance.

Basically, today it’s a virus. In 2021, it could be a bacteria. Who knows? Climate Change, emerging bio-technology that can be disastrous to humanity, nuclear wars, loss of bio-diversity are all causal agents of a potential catastrophe that could wipe out our generation for certain and potentially our species, as we know it today.

We could first begin with accepting a fact, that we’re facing a magnanimous problem which has absolutely no short term solutions. It’s only a long tedious process of locking down and letting go of capitalist ambitions that could buy us time to find vaccines and medicines. Until then, we’re to stay back in our homes, as isolated as we can be. The 'isolation solution' is a medieval one. It worked then and it’s the only thing we know, will work now.

Unfortunately our global assembly lines are not built to support such unforeseen lockdown situations. We’re bound to run out of basic raw material to build essentials. And food. And medicines. The economically weak strata of the society is already facing crazy summer heat. We too will, eventually. Perhaps, the PM can consider providing a base income to the unemployed and daily wage earners to support them in such times. (It’s been done across many countries: - US, Italy, Spain and even UAE has opened an option for Filipinos there to apply for crisis cash aid.)

I want to remind people, that these are the kind of emergencies, you saved up all your money for. So spend on keeping yourselves and others safe. And spend on helping anyone you can. Offsetting expenditure for anything that can put you at risk is damn stupid. And if you’re protecting yourself, please remember, you’re protecting about 3 more people. Which is the objective, this month, next month, this year.

Early warning is that the world isn’t going back to how we knew it, at least until the end of this year. So brace yourselves and prep up for it.

We can do so by keeping calm, cutting slack, displaying patience and letting go. Whether we live with our partners or families or flat mates or just by ourselves. We got to keep it steady and chill. That’s probably the best way of living this through.

There is no reason for this picture to be here. I clicked it two days back during the full moon night. I found it soothing so decided to put it up since the context is so stay cool & calm, just like the moon.

Before I conclude, special mention for a friend Kriti Rawal and her sister, Shruti Rawal. Shruti’s EWOKE studio is trying to make hemp masks (hemp is better than cotton as it is naturally resistant to bacteria, can be re-used, is ecofriendly and pretty sturdy) given the situation. They are located in Hyderabad and have been struggling to find the raw materials to give this initiative a go. (https://instagram.com/ewoke.studio/ )

They've made a batch and distributed it to the police personnel working hard to ensure we all remain safe! See pics below:- 

If anyone knows elastic, fabric suppliers who are still holding some stocks, please do get in touch. Also, thumbs up for these guys who’re actually trying to do something useful. Proud of you both.

Until tomorrow, much love.

PS: Celebrities who live in the same house and still do excessive PDA on Instagram are really annoying. Please stop being so silly.

Also today’s recommended reading list:-

1.       Covid-19: The history of pandemics

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20200325-covid-19-the-history-of-pandemics

2.       Why catastrophes can change the course of humanity

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190408-how-catastrophes-can-change-the-path-of-humanity

3.       Blaming China for coronavirus isn’t just dangerous. It missed the point

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/apr/10/blaming-china-coronavirus-pandemic-capitalist-globalisation-scapegoat

29th March 2020 - 5th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

16^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

1000 POSITIVE, 27 DEAD, 86 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Life is a series of staircases that we have learnt, needs to be climbed only upwards. Some days however, compel us to climb down and stall our obsession with progression, upward or forward. We often get caught up in our linear understanding of time. Especially when in a house arrest. Especially when in a global catastrophe. Especially, when away from family”

Received a call from an old friend last night from North Carolina. She was junior at my bachelor college and we were very thick friends. She’s been trying to get me to talk about my break-up. I think she’s known me so close, she was genuinely concerned about how I am holding up & hence she was quite adamant that I spoke up about it.  But more importantly, she wanted to know my reasons, which she believed she already knew. She just needed to validate them. And that’s exactly what happened. We spoke for long and realized that some friendships, especially the ones we built in our early years are timeless. They exist strong and sensitive despite all boundaries. And when you speak to someone close from your past, you kind of feel in touch with yourself a lot more. I felt like myself again. I am glad, Shruti called. Despite the fact that she’s always given me the respect of a senior, she’s made sure to behave like mom whenever she felt the need to. So yesterday too, she left with me some well-timed advice that only someone who loves you and respects you can deliver.

Today, however didn’t turn out as nice as yesterday. Didn’t help that it was the first day of my chums. A heavy head, almost a migraine hovered over me all day. I felt pretty disinterested in most things, including Corona. Can you believe it? I didn’t consume too much news or entertainment today. Didn’t even talk to too many people through the day. Just wanted some sense of quiet and peace. Given the environment, I’ve relegated myself to my room and balcony for almost all of the time I spend at home. Today, my uncle advised me not to hang out in the balcony, lest anyone would spit something from the floors above. Such strange problems, we Indians have to go through. Just because we’re not taught manners and concerns for others. It is immaterial whether one is rich or poor. Educated or not, good manners don’t need institutions or privileges. Good manners only need a good culture.

So let’s for once stop touting about our culture as superior. Cleanliness, public behavior, waste-disposal is not ingrained in our current culture. And even those with big homes and cars who can very well afford dustbins, prefer to spit & throw things out in the open. I am not sure why I am upset about it today. It’s not like I was expecting anything better. But anything that stops me from hanging out in my balcony is bound to upset me. This balcony is my only screen to a real, open world.

The day went by again in cooking and cleaning. Although today I cooked lesser and simpler food. Thank goodness for that. It’s really begun to tire me out. The staying-back-at-home seems to have started taking a toll. It’s leaving me tired and a little angry. I always have something to do and no time to while away. Whatever time I do have ends up in social obligations of calling. Apart from these obligations however, there are some calls I’ve voluntarily started to make. These are to those family members, who I love, but didn’t manage to make enough time for. The mamas, mausis, chachis of the world. And my dearest nana-nani.

Today I spoke to them over a call for good 40 minutes. They were all cramped in the drawing room of Nani’s home in Bharatpur, Rajasthan. It’s a ritual there to have dinner in the hall with the TV and all members of the house hang out there until Nana banishes everyone to go to bed. My maternal grandparents, uncle and his wife and their two adorable kids spoke to me, all at once. The kids were upset that I hadn’t visited them in years, flouting multiple promises made to them. Others were happy to see me. My business-man mama and I explored some ‘Baniya’ genes to discuss several business ideas. Good chat. Lifted my spirits up.

Order of below screenshots:- Nana, Choti Mami, Jai Mama Ji, Nani (the best nani ever!)

I also spoke to my other mama who’s based out of Jaipur. Now that he’s home and work seems to have completely stalled, I suggested to his wife to handover the kitchen to Mama. She obviously rolled her eyes and told me he wasn’t good for it at all. We both settled on ‘Chai’ being the only household duty that he could fulfill.

Despite these calls and conversations, the hidden truth is that I feel very lonely. I am beginning to feel worried for myself. I am not sure how long I can go on like this. My best estimate for this lock-down to be over is mid-may. That means 45 more days to go. I have a feeling I’ll exit this phase, as a different person altogether.

I am just secretly hoping, I don’t get too depressed, or too lonely. I hope I am able to find this virtual window to the world enough to keep me going. I am very well aware of my privileges and I know for a fact that I am in a far better situation than many others in this world, but just being honest.

I think I am tough. I think I am resilient. But perhaps, the real strength lies in not looking inwards too much. As of now there are too many apprehensions. I am just finding solace in what nana said today – “30-40 saalon mein aisi samasyaaein aati rehti hain”

So basically, the world has seen such times and worse before. And they’ve all come out of it. So shall we. Keeping fingers crossed. Saying silent prayers.

Until tomorrow, much love.

Conversing religions!

" This is a first hand account of an ongoing conversation with a close friend over text messages. The background is that we both happen to belong to two different templates of this society, me being a so called 'Hindu' and him being a believing 'Muslim'. The conversation began with my curiosity of learning the disputed differences between Shia & Sunni Muslims, the question solely arising because of a certain reference of Hazaras in the book that I am currently reading"

Him -The conversation begins as a result of his remark - "Tell me, if you turn a Muslim! I would love to see that."

Me- "I am beyond belonging my identity to any religion. I only want to learn ways of life. Religion anyway is unnatural."

Him - "Religion is unnatural?"

Me- "Yeah obviously, man created it! No one is born with religion!"

Him - "Well, do you believe in your religion?"

Me- "I don't think I have a typically established religion. I do say I follow one for my society and parents. I revere all beliefs. The only thing that I find important is compassion & humanity. Why bother about deities, rituals or certain dates? If religion is a folk way of describing nature, I would accept it."

Him - "So you are open to the idea of being in any religion?"

Me- "I am not open to the idea of religion only as such...but yeah you could say"

Him - "But then, don't you think the world is run by a higher being? I mean is it possible all of this runs naturally?"

Me- "Are you trying to say you believe some one up there is playing a video game? One person or a gang? Really? I do believe that there is an energy but it is the energy of life, energy of existence, energy of duality."

Him - "Well I don't believe its really that simple...I believe there is a higher entity responsible for creating the world as it is and the beings and non beings in it...somehow I find this world to be too complex to be run by natural mechanism..I believe there is more to it."

Me- "Everything is simple....its a matter of perspective...you can break down an entire engine into metal which further breaks down into atoms and further into ions...totally depends on how you want to look at it ...I don't want to contest your viewpoint with the fear of shocking you or offending you..but I don't agree."

Him - "No its ok...I wish to know what you think about this...I may be a little shocked and offended eventually..But I want to hear what you have to say."

Me- "Haha ok, tell me, how do you know about religion? Have your parents told you? Have you read books on it? Isn't first hand experience way more authentic? Try to remember what you have felt. And if religion is true, do you think Gods above belong to different beliefs and are fighting up there like we do on earth? Is it not absurd? Who knows which religion is true or right? Religion is just a way of organizing people. Its an institution to take away some rights, to put some order, to establish rules...and am not sure if that is again a good thing.."

Him - "Apart from my belief in a higher entity, if there isn't a belief in a higher power, what draws the line between good and evil...what gives us the choice to do whats right? What is the right thing to do? What I believe is that a God exists, different religions substantiate different means to that existence...different rituals & cultures are there honor that power................................................................................Besides, what remains in living in this mortal world? For money? For power? For honor? Do you think that there might be more to it than that? And besides, can you deny the power of your prayers? Can you just restrict its strength to the fact that it empowers you psychologically? Or is that it raises serotonin and endorphin levels in your endocrine system and relieves you of mental stress and increases your concentration? Is that about it? Is it possible to explain everything through nature & science? Or is science and nature a medium of his knowledge to us? To show us signs of his blessings and the might to deliver us well being and health in one instant and take it all away in a minute."

Me- "See as far as the power of praying is concerned, it is a form of meditation ...its stimulation and relaxation of mind and body ..and you think a higher entity exists so that you and i could have a purpose to exist? As far as good & evil is concerned, they are sides of a coin...they are subjective & situational..without evil, even good has no importance."

Him - "No! What I wish to imply is that the grand scale of life is much beyond the realm of our understanding and knowledge..Yes, evil & good do go hand in hand...and which side we choose defines who we are..And how we find a place in this world and the next.What the ultimate purpose of life is something that is a mystery to me...But I live by a code that 3 generations of my family have taught me... - Respect your God, love you family and contribute to the good of humanity in whatever way you can."

Me- "That's cool"

Him - "Well, I am sure my humble and simple code may not explain or satisfy your quench for understanding..but I find it fulfilling enough for myself..especially in such testing times...."

Me- "Yeah, its totally understandable that you follow these codes and if you think it simplifies your life and keeps you happy, its great."

Him - "Every1 needs something to keep them running, whats yours??"

Me- "I don't know. Happiness maybe"

Him - "Happiness in totality is good....very simple...its difficult to pursue that.."

Me- "I would like to say a lot more but then I guess we would keep debating..."

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