16TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL
ISOLATION
1000 POSITIVE, 27 DEAD, 86 RECOVERED
General feeling: “Life is a
series of staircases that we have learnt, needs to be climbed only upwards. Some days
however, compel us to climb down and stall our obsession with progression,
upward or forward. We often get caught up in our linear understanding of time.
Especially when in a house arrest. Especially when in a global catastrophe.
Especially, when away from family”
Received a call from an old
friend last night from North Carolina. She was junior at my bachelor college
and we were very thick friends. She’s been trying to get me to talk about my
break-up. I think she’s known me so close, she was genuinely concerned about
how I am holding up & hence she was quite adamant that I spoke up about it. But more importantly, she wanted to know my reasons, which
she believed she already knew. She just needed to validate them. And that’s
exactly what happened. We spoke for long and realized that some friendships,
especially the ones we built in our early years are timeless. They exist strong
and sensitive despite all boundaries. And when you speak to someone close from
your past, you kind of feel in touch with yourself a lot more. I felt like
myself again. I am glad, Shruti called. Despite the fact that she’s always
given me the respect of a senior, she’s made sure to behave like mom whenever she
felt the need to. So yesterday too, she left with me some well-timed advice that only someone who
loves you and respects you can deliver.
Today, however didn’t turn out as
nice as yesterday. Didn’t help that it was the first day of my chums. A heavy
head, almost a migraine hovered over me all day. I felt pretty disinterested
in most things, including Corona. Can you believe it? I didn’t consume too much
news or entertainment today. Didn’t even talk to too many people through the
day. Just wanted some sense of quiet and peace. Given the environment, I’ve
relegated myself to my room and balcony for almost all of the time I spend at
home. Today, my uncle advised me not to hang out in the balcony, lest anyone
would spit something from the floors above. Such strange problems, we Indians
have to go through. Just because we’re not taught manners and concerns for
others. It is immaterial whether one is rich or poor. Educated or not, good
manners don’t need institutions or privileges. Good manners only need a good
culture.
So let’s for once stop touting
about our culture as superior. Cleanliness, public behavior, waste-disposal is not ingrained in our current culture. And even those with big homes and cars who can
very well afford dustbins, prefer to spit & throw things out in the open. I
am not sure why I am upset about it today. It’s not like I was expecting anything better. But anything that stops me from hanging out in my balcony is bound to upset me. This balcony is my only screen to a real, open world.
The day went by again in cooking
and cleaning. Although today I cooked lesser and simpler food. Thank goodness
for that. It’s really begun to tire me out. The staying-back-at-home seems to have
started taking a toll. It’s leaving me tired and a little angry. I always have
something to do and no time to while away. Whatever time I do have ends up in
social obligations of calling. Apart from these obligations however, there are
some calls I’ve voluntarily started to make. These are to those family members,
who I love, but didn’t manage to make enough time for. The mamas, mausis,
chachis of the world. And my dearest nana-nani.
Today I spoke to them over a call
for good 40 minutes. They were all cramped in the drawing room of Nani’s home
in Bharatpur, Rajasthan. It’s a ritual there to have dinner in the hall with the TV and
all members of the house hang out there until Nana banishes everyone to go to
bed. My maternal grandparents, uncle and his wife and their two adorable kids
spoke to me, all at once. The kids were upset that I hadn’t visited them in
years, flouting multiple promises made to them. Others were happy to see me. My
business-man mama and I explored some ‘Baniya’ genes to discuss several
business ideas. Good chat. Lifted my spirits up.
I also spoke to my other mama who’s
based out of Jaipur. Now that he’s home and work seems to have completely
stalled, I suggested to his wife to handover the kitchen to Mama. She obviously
rolled her eyes and told me he wasn’t good for it at all. We both settled on ‘Chai’
being the only household duty that he could fulfill.
Despite these calls and
conversations, the hidden truth is that I feel very lonely. I am beginning to
feel worried for myself. I am not sure how long I can go on like this. My best
estimate for this lock-down to be over is mid-may. That means 45 more days to
go. I have a feeling I’ll exit this phase, as a different person altogether.
I am just secretly hoping, I don’t
get too depressed, or too lonely. I hope I am able to find this virtual window
to the world enough to keep me going. I am very well aware of my privileges and
I know for a fact that I am in a far better situation than many others in this
world, but just being honest.
I think I am tough. I think I am
resilient. But perhaps, the real strength lies in not looking inwards too much. As of now
there are too many apprehensions. I am just finding solace in what nana said
today – “30-40 saalon mein aisi samasyaaein aati rehti hain”
So basically, the world has seen
such times and worse before. And they’ve all come out of it. So shall we. Keeping
fingers crossed. Saying silent prayers.
Until tomorrow, much love.
