29th March 2020 - 5th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

16^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

1000 POSITIVE, 27 DEAD, 86 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Life is a series of staircases that we have learnt, needs to be climbed only upwards. Some days however, compel us to climb down and stall our obsession with progression, upward or forward. We often get caught up in our linear understanding of time. Especially when in a house arrest. Especially when in a global catastrophe. Especially, when away from family”

Received a call from an old friend last night from North Carolina. She was junior at my bachelor college and we were very thick friends. She’s been trying to get me to talk about my break-up. I think she’s known me so close, she was genuinely concerned about how I am holding up & hence she was quite adamant that I spoke up about it.  But more importantly, she wanted to know my reasons, which she believed she already knew. She just needed to validate them. And that’s exactly what happened. We spoke for long and realized that some friendships, especially the ones we built in our early years are timeless. They exist strong and sensitive despite all boundaries. And when you speak to someone close from your past, you kind of feel in touch with yourself a lot more. I felt like myself again. I am glad, Shruti called. Despite the fact that she’s always given me the respect of a senior, she’s made sure to behave like mom whenever she felt the need to. So yesterday too, she left with me some well-timed advice that only someone who loves you and respects you can deliver.

Today, however didn’t turn out as nice as yesterday. Didn’t help that it was the first day of my chums. A heavy head, almost a migraine hovered over me all day. I felt pretty disinterested in most things, including Corona. Can you believe it? I didn’t consume too much news or entertainment today. Didn’t even talk to too many people through the day. Just wanted some sense of quiet and peace. Given the environment, I’ve relegated myself to my room and balcony for almost all of the time I spend at home. Today, my uncle advised me not to hang out in the balcony, lest anyone would spit something from the floors above. Such strange problems, we Indians have to go through. Just because we’re not taught manners and concerns for others. It is immaterial whether one is rich or poor. Educated or not, good manners don’t need institutions or privileges. Good manners only need a good culture.

So let’s for once stop touting about our culture as superior. Cleanliness, public behavior, waste-disposal is not ingrained in our current culture. And even those with big homes and cars who can very well afford dustbins, prefer to spit & throw things out in the open. I am not sure why I am upset about it today. It’s not like I was expecting anything better. But anything that stops me from hanging out in my balcony is bound to upset me. This balcony is my only screen to a real, open world.

The day went by again in cooking and cleaning. Although today I cooked lesser and simpler food. Thank goodness for that. It’s really begun to tire me out. The staying-back-at-home seems to have started taking a toll. It’s leaving me tired and a little angry. I always have something to do and no time to while away. Whatever time I do have ends up in social obligations of calling. Apart from these obligations however, there are some calls I’ve voluntarily started to make. These are to those family members, who I love, but didn’t manage to make enough time for. The mamas, mausis, chachis of the world. And my dearest nana-nani.

Today I spoke to them over a call for good 40 minutes. They were all cramped in the drawing room of Nani’s home in Bharatpur, Rajasthan. It’s a ritual there to have dinner in the hall with the TV and all members of the house hang out there until Nana banishes everyone to go to bed. My maternal grandparents, uncle and his wife and their two adorable kids spoke to me, all at once. The kids were upset that I hadn’t visited them in years, flouting multiple promises made to them. Others were happy to see me. My business-man mama and I explored some ‘Baniya’ genes to discuss several business ideas. Good chat. Lifted my spirits up.

Order of below screenshots:- Nana, Choti Mami, Jai Mama Ji, Nani (the best nani ever!)

I also spoke to my other mama who’s based out of Jaipur. Now that he’s home and work seems to have completely stalled, I suggested to his wife to handover the kitchen to Mama. She obviously rolled her eyes and told me he wasn’t good for it at all. We both settled on ‘Chai’ being the only household duty that he could fulfill.

Despite these calls and conversations, the hidden truth is that I feel very lonely. I am beginning to feel worried for myself. I am not sure how long I can go on like this. My best estimate for this lock-down to be over is mid-may. That means 45 more days to go. I have a feeling I’ll exit this phase, as a different person altogether.

I am just secretly hoping, I don’t get too depressed, or too lonely. I hope I am able to find this virtual window to the world enough to keep me going. I am very well aware of my privileges and I know for a fact that I am in a far better situation than many others in this world, but just being honest.

I think I am tough. I think I am resilient. But perhaps, the real strength lies in not looking inwards too much. As of now there are too many apprehensions. I am just finding solace in what nana said today – “30-40 saalon mein aisi samasyaaein aati rehti hain”

So basically, the world has seen such times and worse before. And they’ve all come out of it. So shall we. Keeping fingers crossed. Saying silent prayers.

Until tomorrow, much love.

27th March 2020 - 3rd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

14^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

851 POSITIVE, 20 DEAD

General feeling: “Not so much of paranoia anymore. Coming to terms with what it is and what it is likely to turn into. I am not sure if acceptance has eased out the fears or numbed them altogether. Around me, I see more and more people acknowledging the seriousness and novelty of the situation. Across the world, people are now speaking up. Of lack of early measures. Of lack of tools and tests. But sooner or later we’ll all have somethings to regret and somethings to forget.”

A twisted turn came to the fear already created by the novel Corona virus when Twitter blew up with the mention of 2018 K-Drama Series called ‘My Secret, Terrius’ which has evidently spoken of the Corona Virus exactly as we know it today. The 2-14 day incubation period, the respiratory symptoms, no known vaccine or cure and handwashing as a preventive mention. All of this is a series that was released about two years back and now playing out for real in 2020. It was freakishly scary. Seemed like the movie ‘Inception’ rolled into the series ’Black Mirror’ to me. This was the last piece of information I fed myself with, before sleeping last night. Not the most apt thing to read to put oneself to peaceful sleep but information overdose is my thing these days. Especially on Corona.

Tells me that if I’d ever decide to do a PHD, it would be on socio-psycho responses to threats created by our beautiful modern world of greed and power. The tribal populations were banished for distracting us with importance of ecological balance and bio-diversity. We chose to ignore them for our misconstrued world views and irrational unfounded fears about power struggle. I am referring to capitalism. I am referring to communism. I am referring to world orders that we abide by today.

On a personal front, today was much better. I woke up to attending several work calls through the day, sending emails and checking out decks after decks. There has been such a work load these days, while staying home. Apart from household and usual work, people have this weird idea that we have a lot of time at hand and we can take up courses, pursue hobbies, talk to people, listen to music and do everything else in the world that there is to do. Honestly, there isn’t enough time. This time might as well be used to slow down and do those things we find joy & meaning in and not really a plethora of courses or activities.

Everyone’s trying to keep themselves engaged. Family WhatsApp groups have strange emoji quizzes going on, while our HR has begun a challenge in which you need to send pictures of yourself doing the activity –of-the-day. Calls & online-courses have also become compelling. Friends have found apps on which we can play games and do fun things. So much camaraderie and virtual gathering for what? To address our fears of loneliness? Or the pertinent need of purpose and participation?

Let not this period tire us down. I am only trying to make commitments that I can keep and those I care for. This time is teaching me to value what I must and ignore what I can. It’s building patience and resilience. For a future, I hope I can see with moist eyes and a warm heart. A future which has alive, all those we love. A future we’d like to step into.

The conspiracy theories against China are abound on the Internet. There is so much content around the virus that it’s nearly impossible to wrap one’s head around it. An option is to ignore and dive into your comfort of not keeping up with the news. To enjoy the solitude of your bedroom and watch fun happy stuff, binging on cheese & chips. Many are opting for the same. I guess its okay. To each his or her own. What’s not okay, however, is to act like it’s just a three week break and everything’s going to bounce back to normal in a snap.

Mind you, with this pandemic, I can’t even begin to articulate the width of the change that we all may personally undergo. Some of us may take time to realize it but it’s happening to us right now, right here. We may re-evaluate our life decisions, our life choices. We may realize who we truly love and what we truly enjoy. And we may take steps to lead a life more fulfilling than we already have.

An ex-boss and a dear friend had called today to check on me. It’s always such a joy to have a conversation with him. I have been blessed with great bosses in general. He’s super smart and I usually don’t have much to say that he already doesn’t know. But today came a moment of pride when I shot some facts on Corona that he hadn’t kept pace with. I am okay to enjoy this cheap thrill which equates information to intellect. Deep down I know, it’s not true. But I deserve my moments, especially these days, right?

Anyway, I am glad I was able to write something somewhat neutral today. Anything not bordering on depressed or morbid is quite an achievement for me.

Happy to sign off with lesser fluctuating emotions.

Before I go, would like to show-off my new writing space J

Until tomorrow, Let’s pray for those who need it the most.

26th March 2020 - 2nd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

13^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

645 POSITIVE, 13 DEAD

General feeling: “Of depression and anxiety. Suddenly something that seemed like a logical step is now feeling cruel. It is settling in that we’re all stuck in this swamp with no clear timelines & solutions. It’s time to accept and internalize how difficult things are going to get for everyone. Especially the elderly, the poor and the lonely”

Today was particularly difficult. News of the lock-down leaving thousands stranded in unknown cities, mostly the daily wage earners, migrant laborers, women with small children,  child-workers, the urban poor, the lonely elderly couples. Practical problems of low-cash availability, poor essential services despite repeated confirmations from authorities and lack of protective gear for people stuck at railway-stations (like Howrah), or night shelters (of Delhi) have started cropping up.

This has made me particularly depressed. Not that I couldn’t fore-see it. But real life stories bring emotions to the brim. I read an article today of a group of laborers walking back home to Rajasthan as their owners shut shop in Gujarat. They had decided to walk hundreds of kilometers in the upcoming summer heat. A Hindi term that comes to mind – ‘Laachaar’. The maid who worked in my previous house called asking for cash since she had no money and her husband sat at home without work.  ‘Majboor’.

I had woken up late today, hoping for the sun to be at it’s complete glory. I wanted to wake up to hot summer sun with abundant light. It seemed to me that sunshine will bring some chirp into my other-wise depressed mood. Unfortunately, the morning was rather dull and cloudy. The air felt musky and uncharacteristically quiet.

I began the day with the resolution to work a lot. Only work was going to bring the much needed distraction. I had stressed enough about my flu-like conditions which have been keeping me low for the last three days. Also, my grandpa had slipped last night and lay on the floor until help arrived only four hours later in the wee hours of Wednesday morning so he could be lifted and put back in bed. It wrenched my heart to empathize with his helplessness. An 87 year old man lying on cold floor all night because his old wife and ageing son couldn’t muster enough strength to pick him up. Grandad (I call him Baba Sahab) has an issue with one leg and one hand. 

Despite his disability which has been ever since I’ve known him, he’s a jolly character. Always tiding by difficult times with such sense of normalcy and strange humor, he’s almost an inspiration. I managed to do a video call with him the other day. Took a screenshot of the two of us in the same frame, somewhere in my heart fearing the unknown. I am slowly internalizing the fact that there may soon come a time, we both may not chat again. Corona or otherwise. My grandparents are in Jaipur & naturally highly susceptible.

We’ve never really faced a situation when going home, or reaching out to loved ones was an impossibility. That time is here now. It compels me to feel for those, who’ve seldom had these privileges. Corona has brought many of us down to our knees. Including Prince Charles. Haha. No offense!

Doesn’t help that I have also started to PMS. (Yes, it’s a real thing that happens to most women). I get to know I am hormonal either when I get unnecessarily angry or sad. Today I got both. I cried because I was angry at someone’s casual harmless joke. What a mess!

The best moment of the day however has been the time I could take out to write this down. Writing is a real therapy for some. Hoping I can continue this for the next few weeks.

Until tomorrow, stay home. Wash Hands. Smile (try to?)