First Blog Composition - life at 20

The supposedly beautiful feeling of being 20 is not all that beautiful...Iam no more a child ..not even a teenager...recklessness is no more to be tolerated ...reponsibility is the name of the game..a 3rd yr engg student with final year approaching, life seems to now be posing its real face to me.....something that looks like the jaws of a man eater..more because I am quite apprehensive about my future and have firm insecurities about some of the very important things in my life going wrong. Apprehensive is a rather mild word...I am more like waiting for them, perenially hoping to escape them by means of prayer or pressure....one way or the other. These insecurities are such which can neither be mentioned nor explained as they seem baseless enough for common logic...but there are things and incidents much beyond logic.... these things are told to self by self...to me by me..to my head by my heart and gut. I remember as I recline in thought, how strong the urge to be 20 something was 8 years back when I was a mere 12 year old child. Life had seemed so unfair then. In simple terms, it was then growing up seemed to be a major craze but as over the years Ive matured and learnt... I believe , those were the most lovely days ...and I acknowledge that they will never come back. Maybe I sound like 80 at the moment and not 20.. but the truth is I am scared of facing the challenges life is to pose.. I wish I could delay my growing up by a few more years.. I wish my insitution was more school like..where one goes to another standard after the previous without worrying about the steering of the wheel of life. These are pretty useless thoughts as nothing of this is possible atleast in my lifetime. I dont care if it might be in future. I am mean in this case. It might matter to me, however if my future children were to be capped in such a situation. But that's too far away. What I am ever since I've been able to think and analyse confused about is what is the purpose of my life... to earn, marry, bear, bring and die? Or am I here for a general good ? Am I hear for a global or atleast some local humanitarian purpose? Or am I gonna be stuck in the rat race of earning money and acquiring means to satisfy lust. I am human.. I want the materialistic stuff too but at the same time I wish and I pray I dont lose my general focus and essence of being a human... in the sense of goodness ..in the sense of fulfilling and being forgiving. I dont consciously take care of it.. but by my being and my unconscious existence and energy..!