Leh & Bareli - Part II

The decay of  the incorrigible idealist

This felt like an extraordinarily solitary moment. A night of intense madness and passion had given way to a morning of bodily pain, mental fatigue and emotional disorientation. He felt sick to his knees. He didn’t want to wake up and face the world. There was so much hatred everywhere including within him. He wished the night would have swept longer so that he could have just been lost in somber and avoided thinking of everything, especially of her. She was extremely precious to him. He’d loved her with everything he could have. He had placed all his emotions and faith in her. But there she was, accusing him repeatedly of being a failure, of stealing her happiness, of ruining her life. Her happiness. Could he have even dreamt of stealing it? He could have sold everything he had, including his soul for it. Why would he steal it? He had no answers. But he did have the guilt. The guilt of unknowingly, unwillingly destroying her and shattering her into small uncollected pieces. He knew, he was responsible for the lion share of all her miseries and all her complaints. She had howled like a dying fox, the previous night. Because she was pretty fox-like. Did he hate her for being more calculative and practical than him? Did he hate her for being more accustomed to this unfair world? Did he hate the fact that she was what she was? But he’d loved her only for this reason. He had no clue what was happening. His mind spinning, his heart ached and his body refused to feel any life. Motionless, he tried to hide in his bed. What had suddenly happened? When did things begin to get this ugly? How could they have treated each other so badly? Where did all the promises of love and life disappear? Were they fragile enough to have been broken by a few miserable happenings? Apparently, there were. He had hoped otherwise, though somewhere in his heart, he had known this was inevitable. Finally, the reality was in front of him to face. The incorrigible idealist in him had started decaying. It was the final beginning of their decay.

A very cold winter morning in Delhi had brought nothing but chills in their minds. She sat like a rookie typing nervously into her laptop. She wanted to write him an email. Because having a conversation was out of the window. He had walked out on her the previous night after having destroyed everything that she had, including her self-respect. Now she had nothing more to lose. Despite having been through so many ups and downs in life, she had never felt like a dead body. Today she felt devoid of emotions. She was a nervous wreck who was edging on becoming psychologically sick. She wondered if she should seek medical help. But then again, no doctor could have truly cured her. Did medical science known how to knead a heart back into its shape? However, somewhere she was also taken aback at her own ability of surviving what had happened. She had lived. But she was angry, at herself and at the world. She wanted to hate him but couldn’t bring herself to do that. Because she knew he was as miserable, maybe more. But she was supposed to be the stronger one – so she decided to carry on routine, albeit most mechanically. Surprisingly, she didn’t seek any company for distraction. She was beginning to love her own company as she’d started to loathe her personality. There was multiplicity in all the emotions and contradictions in all her wishes. She didn’t know what to hope for, not for the fear of those hopes shattering, but of those hopes coming true. It was actually a pretty screwed up place to be in. Then she thought of those two people for whom she’d have to be strong and get past this. Her parents were now to become the central focus of her life, once again.