Calm Outside. Screaming Inside.

I have been often accused of being calmer than they think I ‘should be’.  What they don’t see is the internal fire & turmoil I bleed through as I keep a calm countenance for the outside world. In my head, ‘What’s really the point?’

Is it hopelessness? 

Is it elegance?

Is it an outcome of a certain conditioning that rejects considering a reaction, an action?

Is it over-emphasis on a certain approach that defines ‘hard-work’ as the only way through all situations?

    This over-emphasis & conditioning, I reckon is an eye-wash. This truly is an unfair world which works on unfair principles, or better, lack of them.

    I had believed myself to be unstoppable as a young woman. Someone who could get ‘anything’ done that she set her mind to. I was that raring hot blood who wanted to prove to the world that she could do anything, anyone else could. Just, better.

    I insisted on handling my finances, my house, my living conditions and everything else myself. I insisted on gaining full control of life and doing things that were traditionally supposed to be outside the purview of a young woman. I believed if I worked hard & stayed determined, the system couldn’t throw me off. I was so wrong. 

     I insisted I'd ensure to have equal rights & opportunities as the most privileged in this world. I was setting goals that seemed achievable because I had no clue how many forces were work-in-progress to push the tide completely against me.

First Force: My gender & nationality

    I used to work in field sales earlier in my career which required me to travel distances without breaks for hours and without access to clean toilets.(May I remind those who might be confused about what this means: "Women in India don't have clean public toilets because 'MEN' don't need them.") 

This had compelled a subconscious habit of drinking little water. My mind wanted to avoid the annoyance. Silly little youthful mind. Months of dehydration gave rise to a life-threatening UTI that plagued my body & kidneys for two years.

These years forced me to opt out of work, break a long-term & committed relationship, fail in exams & be bed ridden or hospitalized during & around 8 surgical procedures.

This was when I was 25-26. When all my friends got married & vacationed in Europe.

    The system had played against my will. It broke me down. My ego & pride were put down in place. Imagine, poor public-sanitation giving a young girl anxiety & depression.

Something that plagued me longer than I’d imagined.

 Second force: My gender & religion

    Marriages are supposed to be civil affairs. Although, in the society that surround us, it is a complex obligation of not just the civil society, but religious tenets, class-reputation, gender-roles & entrenched patriarchy in both the genders.

    I mean, my health had recovered. My mind had a new perspective. I was ready to go again. This time, as a gentler person. More grateful for life and more accepting of people & their ways.

    I was happy to have got another chance at re-instating my pride. Back at work again & life going alright (couldn’t have gotten worse from a certain point, so yeah, hurrah), I was perhaps readying my heart for love once again.

    Of-course it was mildly broken a bit here & there but eventually I met someone I could completely be myself with. We fell in love.

    This time, love meant different things. It meant individuality. It meant trust. It meant ‘no-shackles’. But alas, if you are 28 year old single woman in love, you can’t stay away from the conversations of ‘the holy union’ (seriously, whatever).

    We both gave-in. We both were scared & unprepared (him, more than me). But long-entrenched figments of patriarchy, looking down upon women as 2^nd grade human-beings, shitty-family drama, unrealistic expectations & uncomfortable situations surfaced. The hollowness of the institution came to its absolute fore which doesn’t inspire anyone with hopes of a happier, brighter life.

And kids who condemn it and don’t buy into it are, plain-Jane ‘outliers’.

    Ok dude. I’d rather live on the edge of inclusivity than live chained & suffocated.

    And boom. Broken again. Confidence. Pride. Hopes. And heart.

I realize it’s not the individuals, it’s an entire collective system that works against everyone who is marginalized. For any reason, their gender or religion or nationality or sexual preferences.

It doesn’t end.

But I am kind of done.

And therefore, I stay calm when I am expected to scream. No point. I am going to save my strength to do something better – not that I know what that ‘better is’. Just differently. Purely as a matter of principle. Haha.