26th March 2020 - 2nd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

13^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

645 POSITIVE, 13 DEAD

General feeling: “Of depression and anxiety. Suddenly something that seemed like a logical step is now feeling cruel. It is settling in that we’re all stuck in this swamp with no clear timelines & solutions. It’s time to accept and internalize how difficult things are going to get for everyone. Especially the elderly, the poor and the lonely”

Today was particularly difficult. News of the lock-down leaving thousands stranded in unknown cities, mostly the daily wage earners, migrant laborers, women with small children,  child-workers, the urban poor, the lonely elderly couples. Practical problems of low-cash availability, poor essential services despite repeated confirmations from authorities and lack of protective gear for people stuck at railway-stations (like Howrah), or night shelters (of Delhi) have started cropping up.

This has made me particularly depressed. Not that I couldn’t fore-see it. But real life stories bring emotions to the brim. I read an article today of a group of laborers walking back home to Rajasthan as their owners shut shop in Gujarat. They had decided to walk hundreds of kilometers in the upcoming summer heat. A Hindi term that comes to mind – ‘Laachaar’. The maid who worked in my previous house called asking for cash since she had no money and her husband sat at home without work.  ‘Majboor’.

I had woken up late today, hoping for the sun to be at it’s complete glory. I wanted to wake up to hot summer sun with abundant light. It seemed to me that sunshine will bring some chirp into my other-wise depressed mood. Unfortunately, the morning was rather dull and cloudy. The air felt musky and uncharacteristically quiet.

I began the day with the resolution to work a lot. Only work was going to bring the much needed distraction. I had stressed enough about my flu-like conditions which have been keeping me low for the last three days. Also, my grandpa had slipped last night and lay on the floor until help arrived only four hours later in the wee hours of Wednesday morning so he could be lifted and put back in bed. It wrenched my heart to empathize with his helplessness. An 87 year old man lying on cold floor all night because his old wife and ageing son couldn’t muster enough strength to pick him up. Grandad (I call him Baba Sahab) has an issue with one leg and one hand. 

Despite his disability which has been ever since I’ve known him, he’s a jolly character. Always tiding by difficult times with such sense of normalcy and strange humor, he’s almost an inspiration. I managed to do a video call with him the other day. Took a screenshot of the two of us in the same frame, somewhere in my heart fearing the unknown. I am slowly internalizing the fact that there may soon come a time, we both may not chat again. Corona or otherwise. My grandparents are in Jaipur & naturally highly susceptible.

We’ve never really faced a situation when going home, or reaching out to loved ones was an impossibility. That time is here now. It compels me to feel for those, who’ve seldom had these privileges. Corona has brought many of us down to our knees. Including Prince Charles. Haha. No offense!

Doesn’t help that I have also started to PMS. (Yes, it’s a real thing that happens to most women). I get to know I am hormonal either when I get unnecessarily angry or sad. Today I got both. I cried because I was angry at someone’s casual harmless joke. What a mess!

The best moment of the day however has been the time I could take out to write this down. Writing is a real therapy for some. Hoping I can continue this for the next few weeks.

Until tomorrow, stay home. Wash Hands. Smile (try to?)

25th March 2020 - 1st DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

The festival of Gudi Padwa in Maharashtra.

12^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

General feeling: “It’s not sinking in but feels some-what morbid. Already tired of listening to the news. Already tired of telling people not to be reckless. Saddened to realize that not all of us have the luxury of clean water, masks or even some privacy”

This is Day 1 of 21 day lock-down announced by the Indian Prime Minister Mr. Modi to contain the spread of the deadly novel virus COVID-19. Despite a heads-up from various countries and a time period of about 2 months, India is sitting at that inevitable moment of it’s modern history, that may not just claim lives of millions (Estd: 1 mn – 3mn fatalities; Source: Dr. Ramanan Laxminarayanan,, director of the Center for Disease Dynamics, Economics and Policy), it may change the course of the so-called growth trajectory that it was to traverse to bring the world out of an imminent financial gloom.

There is a heated debate among experts on how to manage infection rate v/s economic disruption. Both are bound to kill people. The question is how many and how?

Apart from this mega environment, there is much happening at a personal level for most people across the world. Indians are no different. However, India with its inequity is going through such a diverse plethora of emotions and reactions, it’s difficult to see clean boundaries between fact, fiction, right and wrong.

For a privileged, upper-class, upper-caste millennial who lives in a modern society of South Mumbai, the biggest concerns are not really the question of feeding oneself and life-sustaining supplies. The concerns are the inability to step out, boredom, finding a routine and keeping sane in isolation. For people not living with their loved ones, this is a bigger challenge. People across the country have taken to social media to display their creativity and skills, which they otherwise could never find the time for. Some are cooking, some are spending more time with their children. But everyone’s waiting. For this to end. Nobody can say for sure, when it will.

Most people have begun to do video calls regularly to keep in touch. They are telling each other to take one day, one week at a time. The questions across the world have come down to just a few iterations of health, going out, hand washing, death toll and new political statements.

Italy, Spain, Pakistan, UK, US are fucked. Literally. Maybe even India is. We just don’t know that. We’re continuing to live with the challenge of 1.3 billion of us. The challenge which could have been a strength, is a perennial excuse.

For me, this is my 12^th day of Social Isolation. I haven’t gone to work or anywhere outside. Just 3 trips down to the building gate to receive supplies. I am stuck in Bombay without family or love. But I am still positive about keeping myself and others around me sane. I’ve moved recently to this home and my flat-mates are kind. Of the three weeks I’ve spent here, ½ of it has been in isolation and all of it amidst the fear of Covid.

My blogging place is a balcony that over-looks the ugly side of the Arabian Sea. Maybe it was intended to. So we can stop and look at the ugly sides of ourselves and the world we’ve created and chosen to live in. 

I am not a believer of larger-than-life philosophies about pandemics. But people around me are talking about how this time will lead people to introspect and bring out their humane sides. They say, the nature is benefiting from us-staying home. I find that statement slightly arrogant and slightly unfair. One, because while the local pollution levels may have come down temporarily, the ambit of nature is far larger than what a few millions staying at home can influence. It’s unfair, because we, humans are also a part of that nature. I find it painful to separate ourselves from ‘nature’.

Given the state of things, my humble opinion is we live towards our needs. Mindless consumption needs to stop today. Of food, of wine. Because we just have limited supplies. And community needs to be placed above the individual. Else we all suffer (or die). Game theory? Communism? Doesn’t matter.

It’s morbid to say but we’re in a war. The one that doesn’t fit the traditional definition. It’s a war against a virus. A zoonotic intrusion that we can’t see or hear. Only feel and suffer. Not sure if we’ll come out of it successfully and what that success would mean for us personally, nationally or globally. But when we do, we’ll have long weeks to remember and teach the young ones about it.

For now, Stay Safe. Stay home.

Woh raat jab hum shaayari karne baithe,

Meri baaton mein matlab na khojna
shabdon se mayno ki anban chal rahi hai aajkal

Cha jana kabhi maqsad na tha
tujhe do pal lubha diya
meri kavita ko apni mandzil mil gayi

Andheri galiyon mein jagmagaati raaton mein, kabhi ishq, kabhi havas

Aur ab dekhiye raton mein bhi chaundha dene wali roshni hai jo sone tak nahi deti

Ladte ladte pathar na bana yeh dil

Mohabbat mein hum bahar se pathar

Andhar se itne khokle ho gaye ki zindagi sirf

ek thokar se chur chur ho jayegi

kabhi naam yaad karti hun, kabhi nishaniyaan dhundti hun,

bhool jaati hun tum to mere dil mein hi base ho

Is dil mein kahan koi dekh paya 

Aankhon se aankhein milana hi namunkin sa ho chala hai

Vikalp milenge bohot, raah bhatakne ke liye
sankalp ek hi kaafi hai manzil ko paane ke liye

Kabhi khud ko dekhte hain to lagta hai

budhaapa sa aa chala hai

Aud dil ko lagta hai, aaj bhi bachpana karle 

Kitni bhi unmar ho tumhari ,,jhuriyaan aa jayein
aankhein kamzor ho ..bhavo pe safedi chaa jaye
tumahri muskuraahat dekh kar mujhe humesha lagega
bacchi ho tum, jaisi bhi ho, acchi ho tum

Us pyaar ka zariya ban jao, jo khud se kar paaun

Us umeed ka dhaga ban jao, jisse khud ko jod paaun

Us umr ka salika ban jao, jo main nibha paaun

Mera man hai bada chanchal, ise kaise samjhaaun
jodd de jo tere mann ko mere mann se, woh dhaga bata kahan se lau

Mann se mann ka rishta kabhi kabhi hota hai puraana

na samjha hai kabhi, na samjhega yeh zamana

Zamane ki mat baat kar, bata tu apne fasane,
ya toh mann mein kuch bhar ke jeele,
ya toh mann bhar ke jeele

Sunaungi tumhe kahaniya aangan ke jhoole par

dopahar ko neem ki chaawn mein, katori mein namkeen bhar

Azaad panchi ho tum, humesha bann na chahti thi na?
woh hawa ki sarsarahat, suraj ki pehli roshni mein bekaraar pankh
jab badalon ko cheer ke nikalte thay,
bada mazedaar ehsaas tha na.. azaadi ki khushboo ka
Suna hai aajkal tum pinjare dhoondti ghoomti ho
kya hua, aasmaanon se ji bhar gaya?

Azaad panchi pyaar mein aksar apne pankh kaat leta hai

kya kare, aakhir panchi hai, pyaar karna jaanta hai

Duniya ne bohot baatein kahin mujhse, bohot bula bhara kaha

bataya mujhe main kitni mushkil hun, kitni kathor hun, kitni ajeeb hun

Main chup chaap sunti jaati hun kyunki kisi se bolne ka khaas man nahi hota

par ab lagne laga hai, apni awaaz, apne liye uthaani hi padegi

Main jitna thakungi, utni yeh zindagi thakayegi

Ab uthkar, zindagi jini hi padegi

Haal toh hai yeh humaara bhi, pinjara bhaata nahi aur azaadi raas aati nahi!
Chalo wahan kahin chalein jahaan pinjra bhi khule aur aasman bhi itna upar na ho
chalo wahi kahi basa lenge aashiyaan
tum bhi azad mehsoon karogi aur main bhi tumse bandh ke khush rahunga

Ek tinka main laata hun, dusra tum le aana!
Aashiya aise hi banta jayega

Main zameen ka vasi, tum aasmaano ki rani
yeh Malad aur Dadar ki, humari adhoori kahani!

My take on Abrogation of Article 370 - Bullying is not sustainable!

It is a bit strange that mainstream conversations, whether at an individual level or as a larger narrative are centered on mass events – political, environmental or economic. While this seems absolutely natural, the causes that lead up to these events, which are underlying micro-phenomena and problems are largely ignored. There are scattered studies and reports which find a micro-plasm thin audience and do not appeal to the large population of the country, which decides or denies the political leadership of India. They remain untouched by appeals of environment or GDP rates as they go on with their life miseries trying to make ends meet and paying higher prices each year for the basic ‘roti-kapda-makaan’.

It is interesting though that the masses do respond to the call of the nation, bask in emotions of patriotism and want to fight Pakistan to rejoice in the glory of idea of the Indian nation. However, what really constitutes the glory of this nation is not just this. It is the creative arsenal of art & crafts, our ancient knowledge, our diverse philosophies and the spirit of one-ness. But who would sit and ponder all of this if there’s not enough food in the stomachs of lakhs of Indians? When there’s little financial security, health security, food security as well as security of our land and identity?

Vast acres of land is taken away from the tribals in the name of development. The same development dissects our forests so our elephants & rhinos die. This development promises jobs but does not promise mobility. It does not promise better lives or opportunities.

This is not the question of capitalism v/s socialism. This is just a call to the leadership to address the most basic human sufferings. To ensure basic necessities of life, a non-polluted living space and equal opportunities. It is the responsibility of elected representatives to nurture an environment of peace, non-violence and acceptance. And if they nudge from these, it’s upon all of us to keep our vision steady.

Media & politicians alike, recall historical examples every now and then to give analogies. I would like to bring upon a very simple and widespread example from history – bullying has hurt & broken populations, created human sufferings which lead to alienation or struggle. Bullying is not sustainable.

If you want to assimilate a population, begin by including them. Assimilate spirits and way of living, not just land. A nation is not just a political entity. A nation is a macro idea which is more than the sum total of infinite number of smaller ideas that come together. The forces that should bring them together do not lie in arms & curfews. They lie in hearts & feelings – of promise, compromise, compassion and the possibility of a better future, together.

Personal Life Moment: Poetry 'At All?'

I had written this on 26th December 2016

That was the time, I had just begun the course of healing myself after a really hard time in life. I was without work, without love, without ambition and without health.

My surgeries were over but I believed I could be back in OT any moment without notice. I was getting better, but I didn't know it then. I had felt that I had lost everything except that I was still alive.

It had been just a month after I moved to Bombay to join work. I found solace that I could be by myself again, even so for counted moments. It had become difficult to believe and think about future. Because, I felt that most of my plans had come down crumbling in the past.

In the series of these falls, I lived some of the best moments of life too. I learnt to love my family like I did as a child, once again. I learnt to love, whatever little I had been endowed with. And I learnt, that this little was all that mattered.

I had come back, a little more wise. A little more cautious. Careful, that there are no norms, no standards and no formats that we could all fit into. So, I came back, knowing it was okay to be unsure, and it was okay to lay back and give life a chance to let you live.

I've tried to put my 'then feelings' in a poem called 'At All?'

At all?

The hazy life that I look into, with shades of colour and those of grey

What’s going to be the path like, no one is likely to say

I find it funny, when they know for sure

Their names and games, their curse and cure

Who really knows the trueness of nature

For, is there really any truth or lies at all?

We tend to crave for motive & meaning

I step back to hold my head and have myself leaning

In the arms of destiny and ventures of time

To humbly realize that I am just a speck of grime

In the universe of infinite and expressions of mime

For, who knows a speck could be the whole after all?

Its endless, the dilemma which always plays blind

With insanity and questions rolled into a mind

Chances to succeed are near over

If I let you and others, on my heart, hover

Then again, the question remains

For, is there really any success or failure at all?          

Snippet: Love-Hardened Honesty

To the wishes that come true and the love, that is found
And to the sleep that evades me with the thoughts of a man

And to every story that finds a beginning

I speak these words of passion & compassion,
Of turmoil & pain, of madness of the rain

Words of truth, devoid of delusional disdain...

That I'm as honest as I could be,
And that, I've never been the same

Poetry: Pink Lipstick

I put on a pink lipstick and curled my hair

Wore my heels and slit in my skirt, without a care

Chin up and chest out, I walked towards the ac cab

“Ooooh the traffic”, my senses vibrating

Didn’t matter really, I was in the 1% slab      [1% people who paid income tax in India]

I scrolled for bits of news, looked at some twitter

Checked the time & cursed at the Dadar litter

Working in a ‘prestigious’ corporation

I am the upper caste middle class ambition

who praises modernity and vouches for equality

Just before dissolving into my vanity,

My eyes fell upon a despicable old woman

Shrouded by poverty and bespoke of filth

Ideally my attention should have given her its silt

But I just happened to sit and stare

Hoping she wouldn’t see me in an avatar

That is probably of an alien who’s raided her world

Holding on, I kept at it – feeling pity, my eyes ajar

She slided her glance and looked directly at me

Incase she could, in my heart, see

Ashamed and guilty, I looked away

Dare not to look out, my head would sway

Tears of humiliation trickled down my cheeks

As I asked myself, so what if the GDP peaks!!

That woman spoke no words and yet

She sang a saga for millions of us

Only if we listened through our hearts at times

Stopped the drama, chucked the fuss

She sat still as a stone

And yet sent chills down my spine

I imagined the reality of her and me standing in the same line [The idea of India – Constitutions confers us political equality – the line to vote where all irrespective of class or caste stand to cast the vote which has equal power]

The mirage of equality shattered, the illusion of privilege knackered

my arrogance and pride put into place

by who, the one who probably had little solace

I screamed in my head and felt enraged

My heart was conflicted, my spirit was caged

She brought down the shining India in one glance of an eye

Do I exist as is, or a stigma of a reality?

I sat in the cab numb and stooped

Low enough and yet to continue

In the dream of a glass building

Making graphs & sending emails undue

Silently ignoring the voice that stood witness

to the paltry of many, and the abundance of few

Sleepless nights I tossed and turned

Wondering if a poem could be churned

To call for attention and to seek some life

In the lifeless concrete and relentless strife

Of making it big and having it all

Of paying those bills, and delivery on call

Of playing up such passions, that compete like rats

We’re human, there’s richness of emotion

Is it okay if I don this hat?

Stuck in a vicious loop, the questions never seem to end

Somewhere as I type, the letter begin to bend

As my eyes narrow and my heart starts to sink

No use of lips that red and those so pink

If they don’t smile to those who need it the most

Those in the middle of deserts or waters far away from the coast

I forever ask myself, where do I begin

Do I continue to shun or blindly sign-in

Those eyes will never leave my sight

Perhaps, their powerlessness was their might

Answers to these questions may forever remain obscure

I am relieved I could ask at the least, if not endure.