28th March 2020 - 4th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

15^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

970 POSITIVE, 23 DEAD, 80 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Today’s vibe was rather decent yet strange. It’s comes in when you’ve realized that worrying won’t get you anywhere. So you do the best you can and leave it up to time. Some would say, leave it up to God. I would say, ‘life’ J”

Below is an intrusive picture of a slum right next to my society. As you can see, the common play area is some-what deserted. People are probably trying their best.

Woke up in the morning rather early for a Saturday. Was annoyed at myself for not wanting to sleep more. Where are those days when 11 am on a Saturday was the norm?  I was glad that there were no work calls to attend. Feeling of a holiday, yay! Soon my spirits tendered when I realized we only had 2 days enough of drinking water left and Bisleri dealer had refused to deliver cans. Ugh. Wished there was an RO around. Anyway, my desi-self kicked in and I remembered the old good days when boiled tap water was good enough to drink! I was happy that there was an easy solution for at least this one problem.

The day went by thinking about the Great John Milton and the promise of his ‘Paradise Lost’ that I had to begin reading. An old friend & I have jointly taken up the project of studying some classic literature while at the lock-down. But my beautiful day dreams were constantly being disturbed with mundane obligations of cleaning, cooking and then cleaning once again. Somehow the day went by without achieving much but going about the chores and ruminating about the world situation somewhere at the corner of my mind.

Ended up speaking to a friend for more than an hour – the call was interesting because he made me realize that the only thing he’s really spoken to me about, has been Corona. It struck me that I’ve been so captivated with the situation that there’s hardly anything else I feel interested to talk about. Corona has got me after all, I guess. (Dark humor, here! I don’t mean it in any sense, literal or otherwise).

I immediately decided to take the feedback and challenged him to come up with something more interesting than Covid. He just laughed and by the time he could finish laughing, I had thought of five random awkward but fun things to tell him. Went on and on about strange topics like my extreme fear of crows and how I spent a night psychoanalyzing a lizard so that I could manage to lock it in the washroom to my sense of righteousness even as a young child. Until I chanced upon the matter of the elderly in the family. I’ve been fortunate enough to have met and interacted with some of my great grandparents and how this fact makes my life more complete. It feels like I’ve traversed a very long journey in which four generations have existed in some compelling frames of space & time. These frames are special. For our memories make us who we are. Is it not?

Memories are extremely complex. Their strength depends on how much we remember them. And how much we remember them depends on how strong they were. It’s really co-dependent, chicken & egg kind of a scenario. And when I come to think of it, it’s true for so many other complex concepts & relationships.

Love, for example, is extremely complex. Its strength depends on how much we practice it. And how much we practice it depends on how strong that love is. Human mind is as complex as it is beautiful. And so is human life.

The Hindu philosophy of life that my mother had taught me placed human life at the top of the specialty pyramid. Science places us at the top of the evolutionary pyramid. Seems like an acceptable theory, right?

However, apart from our great brains and thumbs, we have the potential to have great hearts. We have an innate capacity to exceed ourselves, week after week, year after year, generation after generation. This is probably a moment in history, which has given us this one rare opportunity to rise above ourselves. To acknowledge that we’re smaller than the grain of sand. That we’re dependent on coexistence with others. Other genders, races, populations and species. Can Covid-19 lock-down then, bring about a changed world order?

Probably not. What it may bring about, however are uncomfortable questions and their truthful answers in front of those, who are in positions of influence. Or who can strive to be in them.

The choices we make today and in the future need to be made with our complex brains but guided with our deeper hearts. That in itself will be revolutionary enough.

Signing off on a higher note today, than yesterday.

Realizing every-day that it was not ‘Ignorance’ that was a bliss, it was ‘Acceptance’.

Until tomorrow, keep washing your hands J

PS 1 : I stepped out today to help get one can of water. The journey to the society gate and back was almost as terrifying as being in a war zone. Everyone seemed to me as a walk-talking Covid transmitter. What a fucked up time, really!

27th March 2020 - 3rd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

14^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

851 POSITIVE, 20 DEAD

General feeling: “Not so much of paranoia anymore. Coming to terms with what it is and what it is likely to turn into. I am not sure if acceptance has eased out the fears or numbed them altogether. Around me, I see more and more people acknowledging the seriousness and novelty of the situation. Across the world, people are now speaking up. Of lack of early measures. Of lack of tools and tests. But sooner or later we’ll all have somethings to regret and somethings to forget.”

A twisted turn came to the fear already created by the novel Corona virus when Twitter blew up with the mention of 2018 K-Drama Series called ‘My Secret, Terrius’ which has evidently spoken of the Corona Virus exactly as we know it today. The 2-14 day incubation period, the respiratory symptoms, no known vaccine or cure and handwashing as a preventive mention. All of this is a series that was released about two years back and now playing out for real in 2020. It was freakishly scary. Seemed like the movie ‘Inception’ rolled into the series ’Black Mirror’ to me. This was the last piece of information I fed myself with, before sleeping last night. Not the most apt thing to read to put oneself to peaceful sleep but information overdose is my thing these days. Especially on Corona.

Tells me that if I’d ever decide to do a PHD, it would be on socio-psycho responses to threats created by our beautiful modern world of greed and power. The tribal populations were banished for distracting us with importance of ecological balance and bio-diversity. We chose to ignore them for our misconstrued world views and irrational unfounded fears about power struggle. I am referring to capitalism. I am referring to communism. I am referring to world orders that we abide by today.

On a personal front, today was much better. I woke up to attending several work calls through the day, sending emails and checking out decks after decks. There has been such a work load these days, while staying home. Apart from household and usual work, people have this weird idea that we have a lot of time at hand and we can take up courses, pursue hobbies, talk to people, listen to music and do everything else in the world that there is to do. Honestly, there isn’t enough time. This time might as well be used to slow down and do those things we find joy & meaning in and not really a plethora of courses or activities.

Everyone’s trying to keep themselves engaged. Family WhatsApp groups have strange emoji quizzes going on, while our HR has begun a challenge in which you need to send pictures of yourself doing the activity –of-the-day. Calls & online-courses have also become compelling. Friends have found apps on which we can play games and do fun things. So much camaraderie and virtual gathering for what? To address our fears of loneliness? Or the pertinent need of purpose and participation?

Let not this period tire us down. I am only trying to make commitments that I can keep and those I care for. This time is teaching me to value what I must and ignore what I can. It’s building patience and resilience. For a future, I hope I can see with moist eyes and a warm heart. A future which has alive, all those we love. A future we’d like to step into.

The conspiracy theories against China are abound on the Internet. There is so much content around the virus that it’s nearly impossible to wrap one’s head around it. An option is to ignore and dive into your comfort of not keeping up with the news. To enjoy the solitude of your bedroom and watch fun happy stuff, binging on cheese & chips. Many are opting for the same. I guess its okay. To each his or her own. What’s not okay, however, is to act like it’s just a three week break and everything’s going to bounce back to normal in a snap.

Mind you, with this pandemic, I can’t even begin to articulate the width of the change that we all may personally undergo. Some of us may take time to realize it but it’s happening to us right now, right here. We may re-evaluate our life decisions, our life choices. We may realize who we truly love and what we truly enjoy. And we may take steps to lead a life more fulfilling than we already have.

An ex-boss and a dear friend had called today to check on me. It’s always such a joy to have a conversation with him. I have been blessed with great bosses in general. He’s super smart and I usually don’t have much to say that he already doesn’t know. But today came a moment of pride when I shot some facts on Corona that he hadn’t kept pace with. I am okay to enjoy this cheap thrill which equates information to intellect. Deep down I know, it’s not true. But I deserve my moments, especially these days, right?

Anyway, I am glad I was able to write something somewhat neutral today. Anything not bordering on depressed or morbid is quite an achievement for me.

Happy to sign off with lesser fluctuating emotions.

Before I go, would like to show-off my new writing space J

Until tomorrow, Let’s pray for those who need it the most.

26th March 2020 - 2nd DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

13^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

645 POSITIVE, 13 DEAD

General feeling: “Of depression and anxiety. Suddenly something that seemed like a logical step is now feeling cruel. It is settling in that we’re all stuck in this swamp with no clear timelines & solutions. It’s time to accept and internalize how difficult things are going to get for everyone. Especially the elderly, the poor and the lonely”

Today was particularly difficult. News of the lock-down leaving thousands stranded in unknown cities, mostly the daily wage earners, migrant laborers, women with small children,  child-workers, the urban poor, the lonely elderly couples. Practical problems of low-cash availability, poor essential services despite repeated confirmations from authorities and lack of protective gear for people stuck at railway-stations (like Howrah), or night shelters (of Delhi) have started cropping up.

This has made me particularly depressed. Not that I couldn’t fore-see it. But real life stories bring emotions to the brim. I read an article today of a group of laborers walking back home to Rajasthan as their owners shut shop in Gujarat. They had decided to walk hundreds of kilometers in the upcoming summer heat. A Hindi term that comes to mind – ‘Laachaar’. The maid who worked in my previous house called asking for cash since she had no money and her husband sat at home without work.  ‘Majboor’.

I had woken up late today, hoping for the sun to be at it’s complete glory. I wanted to wake up to hot summer sun with abundant light. It seemed to me that sunshine will bring some chirp into my other-wise depressed mood. Unfortunately, the morning was rather dull and cloudy. The air felt musky and uncharacteristically quiet.

I began the day with the resolution to work a lot. Only work was going to bring the much needed distraction. I had stressed enough about my flu-like conditions which have been keeping me low for the last three days. Also, my grandpa had slipped last night and lay on the floor until help arrived only four hours later in the wee hours of Wednesday morning so he could be lifted and put back in bed. It wrenched my heart to empathize with his helplessness. An 87 year old man lying on cold floor all night because his old wife and ageing son couldn’t muster enough strength to pick him up. Grandad (I call him Baba Sahab) has an issue with one leg and one hand. 

Despite his disability which has been ever since I’ve known him, he’s a jolly character. Always tiding by difficult times with such sense of normalcy and strange humor, he’s almost an inspiration. I managed to do a video call with him the other day. Took a screenshot of the two of us in the same frame, somewhere in my heart fearing the unknown. I am slowly internalizing the fact that there may soon come a time, we both may not chat again. Corona or otherwise. My grandparents are in Jaipur & naturally highly susceptible.

We’ve never really faced a situation when going home, or reaching out to loved ones was an impossibility. That time is here now. It compels me to feel for those, who’ve seldom had these privileges. Corona has brought many of us down to our knees. Including Prince Charles. Haha. No offense!

Doesn’t help that I have also started to PMS. (Yes, it’s a real thing that happens to most women). I get to know I am hormonal either when I get unnecessarily angry or sad. Today I got both. I cried because I was angry at someone’s casual harmless joke. What a mess!

The best moment of the day however has been the time I could take out to write this down. Writing is a real therapy for some. Hoping I can continue this for the next few weeks.

Until tomorrow, stay home. Wash Hands. Smile (try to?)

25th March 2020 - 1st DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

The festival of Gudi Padwa in Maharashtra.

12^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

General feeling: “It’s not sinking in but feels some-what morbid. Already tired of listening to the news. Already tired of telling people not to be reckless. Saddened to realize that not all of us have the luxury of clean water, masks or even some privacy”

This is Day 1 of 21 day lock-down announced by the Indian Prime Minister Mr. Modi to contain the spread of the deadly novel virus COVID-19. Despite a heads-up from various countries and a time period of about 2 months, India is sitting at that inevitable moment of it’s modern history, that may not just claim lives of millions (Estd: 1 mn – 3mn fatalities; Source: Dr. Ramanan Laxminarayanan,, director of the Center for Disease Dynamics, Economics and Policy), it may change the course of the so-called growth trajectory that it was to traverse to bring the world out of an imminent financial gloom.

There is a heated debate among experts on how to manage infection rate v/s economic disruption. Both are bound to kill people. The question is how many and how?

Apart from this mega environment, there is much happening at a personal level for most people across the world. Indians are no different. However, India with its inequity is going through such a diverse plethora of emotions and reactions, it’s difficult to see clean boundaries between fact, fiction, right and wrong.

For a privileged, upper-class, upper-caste millennial who lives in a modern society of South Mumbai, the biggest concerns are not really the question of feeding oneself and life-sustaining supplies. The concerns are the inability to step out, boredom, finding a routine and keeping sane in isolation. For people not living with their loved ones, this is a bigger challenge. People across the country have taken to social media to display their creativity and skills, which they otherwise could never find the time for. Some are cooking, some are spending more time with their children. But everyone’s waiting. For this to end. Nobody can say for sure, when it will.

Most people have begun to do video calls regularly to keep in touch. They are telling each other to take one day, one week at a time. The questions across the world have come down to just a few iterations of health, going out, hand washing, death toll and new political statements.

Italy, Spain, Pakistan, UK, US are fucked. Literally. Maybe even India is. We just don’t know that. We’re continuing to live with the challenge of 1.3 billion of us. The challenge which could have been a strength, is a perennial excuse.

For me, this is my 12^th day of Social Isolation. I haven’t gone to work or anywhere outside. Just 3 trips down to the building gate to receive supplies. I am stuck in Bombay without family or love. But I am still positive about keeping myself and others around me sane. I’ve moved recently to this home and my flat-mates are kind. Of the three weeks I’ve spent here, ½ of it has been in isolation and all of it amidst the fear of Covid.

My blogging place is a balcony that over-looks the ugly side of the Arabian Sea. Maybe it was intended to. So we can stop and look at the ugly sides of ourselves and the world we’ve created and chosen to live in. 

I am not a believer of larger-than-life philosophies about pandemics. But people around me are talking about how this time will lead people to introspect and bring out their humane sides. They say, the nature is benefiting from us-staying home. I find that statement slightly arrogant and slightly unfair. One, because while the local pollution levels may have come down temporarily, the ambit of nature is far larger than what a few millions staying at home can influence. It’s unfair, because we, humans are also a part of that nature. I find it painful to separate ourselves from ‘nature’.

Given the state of things, my humble opinion is we live towards our needs. Mindless consumption needs to stop today. Of food, of wine. Because we just have limited supplies. And community needs to be placed above the individual. Else we all suffer (or die). Game theory? Communism? Doesn’t matter.

It’s morbid to say but we’re in a war. The one that doesn’t fit the traditional definition. It’s a war against a virus. A zoonotic intrusion that we can’t see or hear. Only feel and suffer. Not sure if we’ll come out of it successfully and what that success would mean for us personally, nationally or globally. But when we do, we’ll have long weeks to remember and teach the young ones about it.

For now, Stay Safe. Stay home.

Woh raat jab hum shaayari karne baithe,

Meri baaton mein matlab na khojna
shabdon se mayno ki anban chal rahi hai aajkal

Cha jana kabhi maqsad na tha
tujhe do pal lubha diya
meri kavita ko apni mandzil mil gayi

Andheri galiyon mein jagmagaati raaton mein, kabhi ishq, kabhi havas

Aur ab dekhiye raton mein bhi chaundha dene wali roshni hai jo sone tak nahi deti

Ladte ladte pathar na bana yeh dil

Mohabbat mein hum bahar se pathar

Andhar se itne khokle ho gaye ki zindagi sirf

ek thokar se chur chur ho jayegi

kabhi naam yaad karti hun, kabhi nishaniyaan dhundti hun,

bhool jaati hun tum to mere dil mein hi base ho

Is dil mein kahan koi dekh paya 

Aankhon se aankhein milana hi namunkin sa ho chala hai

Vikalp milenge bohot, raah bhatakne ke liye
sankalp ek hi kaafi hai manzil ko paane ke liye

Kabhi khud ko dekhte hain to lagta hai

budhaapa sa aa chala hai

Aud dil ko lagta hai, aaj bhi bachpana karle 

Kitni bhi unmar ho tumhari ,,jhuriyaan aa jayein
aankhein kamzor ho ..bhavo pe safedi chaa jaye
tumahri muskuraahat dekh kar mujhe humesha lagega
bacchi ho tum, jaisi bhi ho, acchi ho tum

Us pyaar ka zariya ban jao, jo khud se kar paaun

Us umeed ka dhaga ban jao, jisse khud ko jod paaun

Us umr ka salika ban jao, jo main nibha paaun

Mera man hai bada chanchal, ise kaise samjhaaun
jodd de jo tere mann ko mere mann se, woh dhaga bata kahan se lau

Mann se mann ka rishta kabhi kabhi hota hai puraana

na samjha hai kabhi, na samjhega yeh zamana

Zamane ki mat baat kar, bata tu apne fasane,
ya toh mann mein kuch bhar ke jeele,
ya toh mann bhar ke jeele

Sunaungi tumhe kahaniya aangan ke jhoole par

dopahar ko neem ki chaawn mein, katori mein namkeen bhar

Azaad panchi ho tum, humesha bann na chahti thi na?
woh hawa ki sarsarahat, suraj ki pehli roshni mein bekaraar pankh
jab badalon ko cheer ke nikalte thay,
bada mazedaar ehsaas tha na.. azaadi ki khushboo ka
Suna hai aajkal tum pinjare dhoondti ghoomti ho
kya hua, aasmaanon se ji bhar gaya?

Azaad panchi pyaar mein aksar apne pankh kaat leta hai

kya kare, aakhir panchi hai, pyaar karna jaanta hai

Duniya ne bohot baatein kahin mujhse, bohot bula bhara kaha

bataya mujhe main kitni mushkil hun, kitni kathor hun, kitni ajeeb hun

Main chup chaap sunti jaati hun kyunki kisi se bolne ka khaas man nahi hota

par ab lagne laga hai, apni awaaz, apne liye uthaani hi padegi

Main jitna thakungi, utni yeh zindagi thakayegi

Ab uthkar, zindagi jini hi padegi

Haal toh hai yeh humaara bhi, pinjara bhaata nahi aur azaadi raas aati nahi!
Chalo wahan kahin chalein jahaan pinjra bhi khule aur aasman bhi itna upar na ho
chalo wahi kahi basa lenge aashiyaan
tum bhi azad mehsoon karogi aur main bhi tumse bandh ke khush rahunga

Ek tinka main laata hun, dusra tum le aana!
Aashiya aise hi banta jayega

Main zameen ka vasi, tum aasmaano ki rani
yeh Malad aur Dadar ki, humari adhoori kahani!

My take on Abrogation of Article 370 - Bullying is not sustainable!

It is a bit strange that mainstream conversations, whether at an individual level or as a larger narrative are centered on mass events – political, environmental or economic. While this seems absolutely natural, the causes that lead up to these events, which are underlying micro-phenomena and problems are largely ignored. There are scattered studies and reports which find a micro-plasm thin audience and do not appeal to the large population of the country, which decides or denies the political leadership of India. They remain untouched by appeals of environment or GDP rates as they go on with their life miseries trying to make ends meet and paying higher prices each year for the basic ‘roti-kapda-makaan’.

It is interesting though that the masses do respond to the call of the nation, bask in emotions of patriotism and want to fight Pakistan to rejoice in the glory of idea of the Indian nation. However, what really constitutes the glory of this nation is not just this. It is the creative arsenal of art & crafts, our ancient knowledge, our diverse philosophies and the spirit of one-ness. But who would sit and ponder all of this if there’s not enough food in the stomachs of lakhs of Indians? When there’s little financial security, health security, food security as well as security of our land and identity?

Vast acres of land is taken away from the tribals in the name of development. The same development dissects our forests so our elephants & rhinos die. This development promises jobs but does not promise mobility. It does not promise better lives or opportunities.

This is not the question of capitalism v/s socialism. This is just a call to the leadership to address the most basic human sufferings. To ensure basic necessities of life, a non-polluted living space and equal opportunities. It is the responsibility of elected representatives to nurture an environment of peace, non-violence and acceptance. And if they nudge from these, it’s upon all of us to keep our vision steady.

Media & politicians alike, recall historical examples every now and then to give analogies. I would like to bring upon a very simple and widespread example from history – bullying has hurt & broken populations, created human sufferings which lead to alienation or struggle. Bullying is not sustainable.

If you want to assimilate a population, begin by including them. Assimilate spirits and way of living, not just land. A nation is not just a political entity. A nation is a macro idea which is more than the sum total of infinite number of smaller ideas that come together. The forces that should bring them together do not lie in arms & curfews. They lie in hearts & feelings – of promise, compromise, compassion and the possibility of a better future, together.

Personal Life Moment: Poetry 'At All?'

I had written this on 26th December 2016

That was the time, I had just begun the course of healing myself after a really hard time in life. I was without work, without love, without ambition and without health.

My surgeries were over but I believed I could be back in OT any moment without notice. I was getting better, but I didn't know it then. I had felt that I had lost everything except that I was still alive.

It had been just a month after I moved to Bombay to join work. I found solace that I could be by myself again, even so for counted moments. It had become difficult to believe and think about future. Because, I felt that most of my plans had come down crumbling in the past.

In the series of these falls, I lived some of the best moments of life too. I learnt to love my family like I did as a child, once again. I learnt to love, whatever little I had been endowed with. And I learnt, that this little was all that mattered.

I had come back, a little more wise. A little more cautious. Careful, that there are no norms, no standards and no formats that we could all fit into. So, I came back, knowing it was okay to be unsure, and it was okay to lay back and give life a chance to let you live.

I've tried to put my 'then feelings' in a poem called 'At All?'

At all?

The hazy life that I look into, with shades of colour and those of grey

What’s going to be the path like, no one is likely to say

I find it funny, when they know for sure

Their names and games, their curse and cure

Who really knows the trueness of nature

For, is there really any truth or lies at all?

We tend to crave for motive & meaning

I step back to hold my head and have myself leaning

In the arms of destiny and ventures of time

To humbly realize that I am just a speck of grime

In the universe of infinite and expressions of mime

For, who knows a speck could be the whole after all?

Its endless, the dilemma which always plays blind

With insanity and questions rolled into a mind

Chances to succeed are near over

If I let you and others, on my heart, hover

Then again, the question remains

For, is there really any success or failure at all?