I now understand why isolation is a torture technique

It's the Christmas of 2020.

The much awaited festive energy to end this brutal year is here. A friend mentioned that Christmas is a modern concept with no reference in the 'Bible'. Regardless, it's a much celebrated festival and we all could use an excuse for a break.  

*The people in the slum next door, sing and celebrate into the night*

I decided to write this blog on a midnight instinct and it's 1:35 AM IST right now with Mumbai being chillier than it usually is. The un-lock has brought back the spirit of Mumbai and it feels live-able again. The funny thing about Mumbai is that even though I love it, it's difficult to live here. Rents are high, traffic is bad, roads are narrow and time is short. Life paces and years gallop as our daily routines chime in mindless task based lifestyles. 

The opportunity to pause barely presents itself and when it does, it's bound by caveats. And limitations. Of time, of money and the attached cost of lost alternatives. Sometimes, that alternative is love. Sometimes, it's friendship. But mostly, it's mindfulness. About oneself and her environment. 

I imagine myself staring as life rushes past me, with its slithering sharp pace and a blinding charm that mutes away inner voices. Especially the inconvenient ones. Its reassuring safety, which is truly, just a habit and inertia of comfort, keeps one from revaluating mindsets and choices. Clearly, these barriers are solidified over time and it takes quite a bit of will to accept them and break through them. And what comes in handy the most, is a trust group. People who support you and believe in you.

Funnily, in the last one week, at-least three people expressed more confidence in me than I'd have given myself credit for. Their kind observation worked like a catalyst to stir a series of emotions in a question-answer format within me. I asked myself questions and responded honestly to them. In the process, I could identify my barriers, my real issues, some grievances and some random notches of sub-conscious excuses. 

It also helped me remind myself of lessons I'd learnt the hard way and I swore a few years back to live by them. I am listing them below as a ready reminder for self:

1. Let life happen. Give it a chance. Be fluid.

2. One can control very few things. Control them well. But only control, what you can.

3. Present will definitely shape future. Still, live in the present.

We tend to forget life learnings as an outcome of a hectic template-led life which is plagued with continuous and mindless application of self in a rather superficial but consuming manner. Amidst the glamour of a cosmopolitan millennial lifestyle, I'd gotten quite out of touch with myself.

The isolation made sure, only demons showed up from deep inside my mind. Angels were clearly quarantined some place away. Demons destruct will and judgement. Causing pity, pain and frustration. In such states of battling once-in-a-100-years emergencies as well as personal setbacks, it's justified to lose mind (and self-confidence).

I now understand why isolation is a torture technique. 

Strangely on Christmas, I've ended up discussing everything not so Merry. The dark side of personality continues to have an upper-hand, I guess. Btw, this is conspicuous, even in the clothes I wear.

[Wardrobe Hues: 40% Black, 30% Blue, 20% White, 5% Red] - "This is an outcome of natural gravitation I feel towards these colors but I'd say it's also a 'Statement'."