No Running Away from what's going to come at you!

Today was a particularly well rested day. Also a day, I made lunch by myself after a break from cooking for months. I’d forgotten that while cooking is definitely a task, it’s also indulgence. It is after all a creative output that nourishes the instinctive need of humans to manifest their genius. Okay, so I guess I’ve really glorified my cooking today.

Sometimes, I’m amazed at my own privileged thoughts and behavior. I’ve ended up making a big deal about cooking ‘daal-chaawal’ which is pretty basic and people, all over the world cook elaborate meals every day of their lives to feed themselves and others. I mean, my cooking would have been somewhat noble if I was cooking for someone else. Cooking for self is selfish enough to not qualify for any kind of nobility.

That reminds me of that one month when I cooked three meals and two snacks a day while taking care of my covid-hit parents back in September and October. I took leave and dedicated myself to take over the daily chores of running a household and caring for the sick. I must confess that it was extremely daunting and difficult to care for covid-sick parents while attending to the daily and un-ending needs of cooking, cleaning and washing. My ‘gharelu’ avatar really bloomed and I was surprised to have been able to manage it one way or the other.

However, the constant stress of chores while also ensuring my own safety as well as the emotional trauma of uncertainty that covid brings with itself really tested my patience. Also my father was a stressed out pressure cooker ready to burst any given moment. Covid had really brought down his spirits and he was not just fighting a physical illness but also an emotional battle.

From what I know of him, he was probably planning a life for his family just-in-case he didn’t survive covid. Also the fact that we were in Dubai, away from our roots and family made things worse. My parents (read dad, not mom) were constantly plagued with a ‘what-if’. What if they’d have to leave this world without the gestures of ultimate farewell? What if their kids did not make a good life for themselves? After all, their daughter was still unmarried and son still studying.

Mom, Me, Dad

This anxiety often manifested itself in outbursts of both emotion and aggression. I found my father losing his happiness each day as he grew angrier and more frustrated. It often resulted in certain outbursts on me and my brother for no valid reasons. I would absorb most of it quietly, telling myself of his situation. I tried to stay calm and positive. But I often cried at nights. For unexplained reasons. I often worried myself sick. I often stayed up all night despite the physical exertion that days had demanded.

More importantly, this phase helped me empathize with my father and his possible childhood experiences. I often found myself angry at my father for being impatient. For being angry. Sometimes negligent but more often than not, highly idealistic. Ideals that only ‘he’ cared about. And ideals that had more to do with other people than ourselves. Ideals that were many a times selfish. It brought me to a point that I had no other option but to understand. His reasons and his outlook were most likely an outcome of where he came from. The poverty in his childhood. The sick and narrow patriarchal setups of Uttar Pradesh and Rajasthan. And of course the default privilege which comes with being a man in this world.

I tried to visualize how his childhood must have been. Needless to say, it was way more inconvenient than it was for his children. He must have been in constant competition for bits and pieces. He must have been in constant judgement of being the youngest child. He must have been overshadowed, criticized and most likely said no to. He must have been denied love and respect. Of course these musings are not just a figment of my imagination. I know things about my family which help me corroborate and build a past situation that I was physically never a part of.

But what’s truly interesting is –

1. Our childhoods and upbringing decide who we become as people

2. Unfortunately, it’s not just our childhood but also that of our parents

So basically there’s no running away from what’s going to come at you. What you make of it is important. And there’s absolutely no need to hurry to understand this. I mean it’s dawned upon me after almost living half my life. It’s a process which may or may not happen with everyone. But really, this year has been quite a teacher. They say Saturn is a hard taskmaster. It will whip you until you get moving to a direction which is your calling. In this particular case, I think it’s whipped me to move towards empathy and forgiveness. Two qualities my mother armed me with when I was dealing with negative emotions this year.

The year is now closing soon. Although it might just mean a turn of the solar calendar and nothing more. But a man (and a woman) has got to hold onto hope, right?

This reminds me, that I’ll probably order dinner now. Since I’m so tired of all the cooking and cleaning. Ha-ha, just kidding.