18th APRIL 2020 - 25TH DAY OF INDIA'S COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN

36^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

14,798 POSITIVE, 2,168 RECOVERED, 499 DEAD

General Feeling: “You know there are times you don’t want to seek or give explanations. To no-one. Not even to yourself. It means you’re fed up. Of so many things (and people)”

It’s been 5 days since I’ve not written anything. I was extremely tired of being committed to this blog. And there was more work than usual. Also, the house work was leaving me quite exhausted. Moreover, the summer is here and April is not a very friendly month in any part of our country.

Thanks to my privileges, I have a comfortable home to live in with good air conditioning. My heart goes out to those who have none of this. In fact, summer is least of their worries. These are the marginalized and voiceless people of our society who have no safety net whatsoever and live meagerly on daily wages or alms. Both of which have dwindled now.

I am not sure how I sleep every night very well knowing that there are millions without food, shelter or clothing just languishing in hidden corners of our broken physical and social infrastructure. The central government and particularly the PM have received criticism about lack of proper planning to deal with the poorer sections of the society. In the narrative of the PM, while we are "to show compassion and sacrifice for the country", what does the government do, is a question that remains largely un-answered.

Anyway, I’ve started to make peace with the fact that there’s nothing I can do (although my heart knows that when each one of us tends to think that and do nothing, it is genuinely just a state of apathy). I clearly, do not have the heart or even the balls to put myself at risk to do the right thing. I am concealed in my home and writing away is easy. Action, is what is difficult but also necessary. Being fully aware, I still just sit around and get on with the day.

A couple of friends asked me why is it that I stopped writing. Was COVID no more that exciting? Or have I run out of the will to make the effort? COVID is not any less pertinent or exciting. It is just a way of life now. Social isolation is getting easier as we build our new habits and routines around it. Also, as essentials services have begun to spring back to life, we have enough food and milk to worry much about anything else. Moreover, continued security of income fuels the complacency that is slowly settling in.

Some of us, I feel, are also becoming lazier when it comes to following COVID related protocols. We had placed stricter norms for ourselves than the ones the government recommends. We were taking extra precaution. Washing everything with soap, leaving away supplies for over 48 hours etc. etc. Now we’re starting to feel like we may be safe from it and COVID is not likely to infect us.

As per experts, the infection hasn’t peaked in India yet but that doesn’t mean that it will not.

We’re only safe until we’re not.

Today was supposed to be the day to chill, rest and make merry. But like most things, Saturday didn’t go as planned. First, the Wi-Fi was being a real bitch. In absence of good and continuous internet, how does one do anything at all? (I am posting this on a 3G hotspot!!).

Second, I stirred up a session of badgering and abuse in my engineering college WhatsApp group by sharing the # people who had gathered for several religious events in India before & after the lock-down began. These groups consisted of several faiths including Hindus. The WhatsApp group being a classist, parochial and staunchly ‘Hindu’ group believed that they had ‘tolerated’ Muslims for a very long time and the community was to blame for all the failings the ‘Hindus’ had suffered. My intent was to question all religious gatherings at such a precarious time and nothing else. My intent was also to question, why is it that we tend to sensationalize what we want to believe, propel and spread? The question is not just about religion. The question is about the hatred we harbor in our hearts. Despite our education, we continue to have closed minds. Despite our constitution, we continue to be section-ists. And despite our democracy, we tend to heavy hand those we can.

Third, I burnt my working hand with hot oil today shortly after this WhatsApp brawl. I am not superstitious but the thought that instantly came to my mind was that all the spite against me had manifested, after all.

I was trying to make moong daal pakaudis which now is an unfinished project. I am sitting on my bed typing away with a cloth dipped in cold water tied all over my left hand. The burns are painful. But not as painful, as some other ones, which lie deep in my heart.

Around 6:30, I finally told myself to sit up and do something calming. One of the options was to meditate. Other was to write. Quite apparently, I’ve chosen the latter.

Just as I penned down the first paragraph, came a call, which has deeply upset me. And brought back a turmoil which had taken a backseat amid this COVID crisis. I wept for a bit with my face buried into the keyboard. And like every other time, wiped my tears and told myself that nothing and no-one who doesn’t treat you right, is worth your time, and certainly your tears.

I told myself that I am blessed to have a family which loves me unconditionally, an education that can keep me financially afloat. A body that is not constrained and a mind that is open to challenges.

I told myself that I have savings to fall back on and a lovely sibling to laugh with.

I told myself I have friends who adore me and will be there when I need them. I’ve earned human capital through my some-what complex life and I am glad I have some jewels in my life.

I told myself that I have a house to live in, plenty of food and amenities.

I told myself I have a job to go, and a chirpy lovely Maybelline team to cheer me up.

I told myself that life was as empty or as full as I’d like it to be. And like so many times earlier, this is the time to embrace yourself and let life be.

Dev, (a senior in organization & father-like figure) has often told me, “Priyanka, chin up and chest out. You bring sunshine to the world”. I want to bring some sun in my own life which seems rather clouded today.

How does one smear through the clouds as the sun-rays do?

While I put up a brave face for my own sake, I must tell you that I cringe to be home. I cringe for love, support and intimacy. To hug and to be cared for. Just like any other human being.

Hope that’s fair enough.

Until tomorrow, playing the balancing act.