2nd April 2020 - 9th DAY OF COMPLETE LOCK-DOWN OF INDIA

The festival of Ram Navmi in India

20^TH DAY OF MY SOCIAL ISOLATION

2032 POSITIVE, 58 DEAD, 150 RECOVERED

General feeling: “Grief is a strange emotion. It hides in places you can’t see and surfaces at the most unlikely times. You don’t know where its lurking until it comes out and leaves you vulnerable. Grief brings along with itself - disinterest, isolation and confusion. Sometimes you don’t even know why you’re feeling what you are feeling. However that’s how complex our minds are and of-course, our lives are”

It’s not easy to write every-day about something as morbid as the Corona pandemic and the lock-down of the country. At the same time, it is one of the few things that’s continuing to give me strength in these difficult times. The response of some of my friends to this blog has been of utmost encouragement. Some have questioned the relevance of a blog. As per them, in this new-age Instagram world, I am losing out on a large part of the audience by writing on  blogger and not on Insta. I am not sure what to make of this thought. Is it perhaps the right thing to do?

I am not so sure given the format and content of my blog is far more serious and requires more than few fleeting seconds of attention from people. Regardless, it is a personal endeavor. It’s meant more for me than anyone else. So for now, I’ll let this debate go un-attended.

The day started very early today. At 7 am, I struggled to wake up. However, turns out that the call I was supposed to attend, was after all, quite worth it. Nevertheless, it took away the most productive part of the day and once it ended, I got busy in day to day household activities and some usual work. The highlight of the day, was my evening nap, though restful, turned out to be slightly un-nerving.

Let me tell you why. I dreamt of being at my uncle’s place (which is in Bhandup) with the rest of the family there as well. I was shocked to be there, since I had absolutely no recollection of traveling to his place. I was in a night gown without a mask, sitting at their dining table. My mama was quite astonished to see me and asked me how I had managed to travel. I told him, that this was a dream and it couldn’t be true. Then he held my hand to make me realize that it was indeed the reality and not a dream.

I shook with fear as I wondered how it had happened. Was it teleportation? I was concerned about not having my laptop with me. I was concerned about how I’d work the next day. He told me there wasn’t anything to do about it and now that I was at his place, I should just stay put. Eventually as the day progressed (in the dream), I met my mother in his society play area.

My mother was her 25 year old self wearing a denim, a green sweater and a white-black scarf, looking absolutely stunning. She just stood around, all chill. She looked so young and beautiful! I was impressed and proud of her. I am not sure how I recognized her but I knew she was my mother. And mom knew, I was her daughter. I immediately hugged her. It seemed so real to be hugging my mother in the dream. I felt her warmth, her reassurance and her love, all at once. At that point, I was convinced it wasn’t a dream but reality. And tears started to roll down my cheeks with a definitive knot in my throat.

As I hugged her tight, I woke up, with tears rolling down my cheeks.

I took me about fifteen minutes to grapple with the dream which had felt absolutely real. I took some time to regain my composure.

My younger brother happened to message me at that very moment. I narrated the incident to him. He said it could be a lucid dream or a trip to a parallel universe.

If it was a lucid dream, it brought out the deep underlying need of my psyche. If it was a parallel universe, I am glad my mother looked stunning.

Sharing a picture of her younger self. She was indeed impressive. But her warmth and love trumps all the visible beauty in this world.

(This is 2005. I was 15 years old. My mother was 39.)

The festival of Ramnavmi, in our part of the country is celebrated in reverence of Goddess Durga, who is supposed to be loving but could also be ghastly. A lot of Hindus refer to her as “Ma”. It culminates 9 days of worshiping the goddess.

Though I am not very religious, I am happy to romanticize this dream today as something out of the material world.

Until tomorrow, keep safe.